Monday was Stay Home PaPa’s first solo campaign with Maddie and to quote the movie Good Will Hunting – the little girl was chalk full of shenanigans, tomfoolery and ballyhoo.
Things kicked off quietly with a little nap after the 5am feeding and the world was our oyster. But feeding number two at 9am was not quite so seamless.
The first challenge was that the baby’s normal four ounces suddenly became woefully inadequate. Maddie downed her normal meal and was screaming for more within seconds of the last swallow. Am I missing something? OK, I’ll heat up two more ounces and we’ll go from there. Little did I know that this was just the intro to the triple play delight she had planned for PaPa.
Once we were done feeding, we retired to the back room for a diaper change. The process was nearly completed when Maddie pulled a classic diversionary tactic. A little bit of spit up was all it took for Dad to really take his eye off the ball. I was wiping her mouth when the poop actually started flying. Whoops, time to fall back and regroup.
We were successfully meeting the first challenge when Maddie spit up all over her new shirt. (Maybe that extra two ounces was mistake?) No problem, the shirt came off, the poop had been captured and I was still holding my own.
But before I could start patting myself of the back – Maddie had one more card to play. That’s right, not a trickle, but a full-blown urine session. Due to the other incidents, we were in between diapers, papers towels and whatever else usually protects us from danger. Maddie and Daddy were treated to an impromptu loving liquid session that sent both of us to the HAZMAT showers early.
MiMi came to the Garden State this weekend for some quality time with her granddaughter, the Marauding Madster. MiMi has been enjoying a sweet little visit with the baby, but Maddie really likes to keep things interesting. So this morning, when MiMi was changing the diaper – Maddie pulled a fast one.
The changing process was just about complete, the new diaper was already underneath the baby when MiMi tripped an IED. (Improvised Explosive Device) In the blink of an eye, MiMi was covered with shrapnel.
The force of the blast not only hit MiMi’s shirt, but some unmentionables actually soared past the changing table and onto her socks. It took a moment for MiMi to recover. She looked down at Maddie who was sporting a very smug look that seemed to say, “How ya like them apples? Anything else in your bag of tricks?”
With Maddie, it’s always about the sneak attack. The infant lies in wait, plotting, stalking and waiting for the right moment to strike. When she hits, it’s always a surgical strike executed with the ruthlessness of a toughened veteran of multiple campaigns.
Maddie acquires her target, calculates the range and it’s a bulls eye every time. We appreciate MiMi’s kind heart and good nature – It’s not always easy after you are forced to ride the brown lightning.
What a way to celebrate your first month on planet earth as we are just moments away from Maddie’s Jersey City evacuation adventure. The hurricane is slated to unleash her fury later this afternoon and we are already about 70 miles inland with Maddie’s grandparents.
Little did we know that our daughter had some real issues with our evacuation strategy yesterday and she employed a wide variety of civil disobedience tactics to distract us from our plan. Friday morning started off well with a nice walk in the park – but Maddie had obviously spent her quiet time plotting a little bit of chaos to unleash against her parental units when their guard was down.
Lunch seemed to go well enough – and Daddy was more than happy to take on that afternoon’s burping duties. The baby seemed to be a bit restless when she launched her first preemptive strike of the day. Maddie reared back her head and belched forth a surprisingly generous stream of mother milk down Stay Home PaPa’s shirt.
I looked down to inspect the damage when I realized that the magical goop had already doused my shirt and pasted it against my chest. She looked at me coyly, apparently very satisfied with her art work. It reminded me of a line from the movie Juno, when the store clerk tells a pregnant teenager, “That’s one doodle that can’t be undone home skillet.”
Well that shirt was shot – and Maddie was still trying to figure out new and creative ways to avoid the inevitable evacuation. Since the baby had gotten covered in some of her own goo – It was the perfect time to try the mini bathtub for the first time. Suffice it to say, bath time was a complete success and things were really looking up.
We watched the non-stop hurricane coverage while the baby took a little nap. When Maddie woke up, we went to her room for a quick diaper change before dinner. The change started off well enough – Everything was in the green, all systems go, the finish line was in site, when suddenly my little race car developed a problem.
It was eerily similar to a NASCAR crash on the final lap. First your engine coughs, then it sputters and suddenly parts and oil are flying across the track – Or in this case, stuff is shooting out of our little girl and I have no place to hide.
The yellow caution flags came out – but the damage was already done. I had some post-race cleaning to take care of before more damage could be inflicted. Casualties included my hands, the changing pad, the cloth diaper we use for added protection and even the fresh diaper that was supposed to cover the chassis.
But hey – that’s what dad’s are for – better luck next time.
As for Maddie, her tactics were brilliant – but rain or shine –we’re headed west to seek shelter from the storm with her grandparents. Hey munchkin, better luck next time!
There is a small pocket of nerds in the universe (like me) who are familiar with the dreaded Kobayashi Maru test. This is a fictional simulation exam from the world of Star Trek where cadets at the Starfleet Academy are thrust into a “No-Win” Scenario – not a hotdog eating contest!
Their mission is to rescue a crippled vessel, the Kobayashi Maru, from certain destruction at the hands of the nefarious Klingons. The only catch is, it’s supposedly a character building exercise – you can’t win. One is forced to either leave the civilians to their fate or get blown up trying to save them.
There’s a new “No-Win” nighttime phenomenon that’s really taken our household by storm. Our little girl Maddie has added her own special twist to the affliction known as “nighttime sweats.” Instead of sweating though – her special nighttime brand of humor is called the “Nighttime Wets!”
As if diaper changing wasn’t enough fun all by itself, sprinkle in the “Nighttime Wets” and you have a real party on your hands. The good times roll like this – You wake up in the middle of the night and it’s your turn to man the pumps.
You arrive at the diaper changing station all sleepy eyed and filled with dreams. You peel back the diaper to initiate a structured clean up operation – when the silent alarm bells start chiming in your head.
We have a breach in sector one – “All hands on deck!” The flash flood moves through the slot canyon with break-neck speed. You try to close the hatch, but the flow is already on the move eating up everything in its path. Damage reports flash across the console:
…changing cover down…
…new diaper down…
…back up cloth diaper down…
…swaddle blanket critical…
…baby’s shirt – ‘Ay, caramba!’
…personal hygiene – DON’T ASK!
You scramble to make sense of it all, but the child knows that you are now at the mercy of the flood.
You send in reinforcements – baby wipes are thrown down like sandbags – but now you sense a new threat – The showers were only a precursor to a much more dire situation – INCOMING!!! “Mr. Scott – Shields UP!”
The first brown rounds ripple out with a force not thought possible. The hull has been breached and decks 1-4 are gone! “One more hit like that and the shields will buckle!!” Ay mami, I did not know you could do it like that! Cue LL Cool J, “Think I’m gonna need backup!”
Backup arrives too late, alas, the Kobayashi Maru has been destroyed yet again with all hands reported lost.
Cue LL Cool Jay one last time, as the baby has proven once again, “Cause I’m too bad for ya, Understand?”
August 13th was the day my beautiful daughter Madeleine was actually scheduled to be born. As you might have guessed from our previous entries – Maddie has her own ideas about timing and schedules. She also has a rapidly developing sense of humor that is leaving her daddy in the dust!
First things first, Maddie became an official member of society Saturday as her Social Security card came in the mail. I hate to admit, but there is something oddly appealing about seeing an official document with your baby’s name on it – kind of like her first invitation to play in a Grand Slam tennis tournament. (But, perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself)
Maddie also planned a wide variety of bathroom hi jinks and adventures for Daddy to celebrate what was supposed to be her “scheduled birthdate.”
At 2am – I was doing what originally appeared to be a typical diaper change. However, once the diaper came off – Crouching tiger, hidden Maddie had a sneak attack planned for her father. The urine started to flow and the Stay Home PaPa was not prepared for combat!
Round One went to Maddie as we had to change course for an impromptu bath in the sink:
- Maddie – 1
- Stay Home PaPa – 0
At 4am – It was diaper change city once again – and wouldn’t you know it – Maddie’s bladder was spring loaded. The cold air hit my little comedian where it counts and the Fountain of Youth surged forward yet again. This time, in the process of trying to save her nightshirt – Daddy played opposite Brad Pitt in the movie A River Runs Through It. The mighty Blackfoot River of questionable liquid swept down Daddy’s bare chest and both father and daughter were in dire need of a good HAZMAT scrub down. I can assure you that there was no fly fishing that morning!
Round Two was no contest:
- Maddie – 2
- Stay Home PaPa – 0
I believe that once you hit 15 days old – you should slow down a bit. Not Maddie – she had one last card to play. More than 12 hours after her last assault – my little girl was looking for the sweep and PaPa was ripe for the picking. Cue the “Eye of the Tiger,” by Survivor!
Maddie had just enjoyed a premier milk-fest feeding and Daddy was in the process of burping her when he felt an odd disturbance in the force. Was there something on my arm? Yes, some type of foreign vinaigrette dressing matter had taken shape on my arm and was spreading quickly.
Suffice it to say it wasn’t pretty.
Well played my friend!!
- Maddie – 3
- Stay Home PaPa – 0
Perhaps watching the beginning of Bloodsport with Jean-Claude Van Damme with Maddie in the room wasn’t the best move last night. After all, she was already in the midst of a pretty impressive temper tantrum and every time she heard Jean-Claude’s voice, her fierce gaze contorted and her biceps quivered.
Recent diaper changes have been marred by violence as Maddie has begun the new practice of delivering roundhouse kicks to my head with every attempt to fasten the diaper along with hand thrusts that would make Mr. Miyagi bubble with pride. Every diaper change is now conducted with a precautionary mouth piece and padded crash helmet for that added Maddie protection.
Maddie’s aggressive training regimen now includes bare-knuckle pushups, triple back flips and unbridled boppy biting. My baby is also perfecting her uppercut motions and head-strike combos for reasons I am unable to comprehend. She’s even put up a Joe Eposito, “You’re the Best” poster in her crib!! (Listen to Maddie’s soundtrack at the bottom of this post)
Maddie got a head start on her training before she was born because her Mom continued kickboxing classes throughout the second trimester. This gave our little warrior the edge she needed to make sure she was keeping Dad in line.
Even in her deepest sleep – you will often hear a primal scream ring out accompanied by a double fist pump. I’ve taken to crouching in the corner at night with a large flashlight and an industrial grade cattle prod to ward off any unprovoked attacks.
An old cliché says into each life, some rain must fall. My sly little daughter introduced me to her own interpretation of that little idiom this morning during bath time.
Just one day after I had the audacity to refer to her as a pooping raptor after giving her Mom the brown treatment – it was my turn to join the festivities. I had just changed Maddie’s diaper and decided to follow it up with a nice bath in the sink.
This was mostly because that the diaper change went horribly wrong. My gorgeous daughter unleashed a deluge of urine that quickly soaked her little nightshirt. Wow, how quickly fortunes can change with a magical peeing munchkin.
Maddie seemed most entertained as I fought to stem the tide of rising urine. Sadly, my good intentions were not enough, as she was now lying in a pool of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
A quick jaunt to the bathroom sink and I was ready to initiate emergency clean-up operations. Maddie batted her mesmerizing eyes at me, clearly taken by the theater of the moment. I fumbled with faucet, but we were soon ready to go.
Just as I put the warm soapy washcloth to my baby, she decided that it would be best to pee on me as well. But, I was ready. I pivoted her little butt over the sink and Angle Falls fell harmlessly into the running water.
Haaaa!!! – I gazed triumphantly into the mirror only to find a large streak of brown lightning splayed across my t-shirt. But I was so clever, how did, wha had happen was, I mean, but she, where did that come from???
Now the left side of my shirt was a DMZ zone and our bath time had only just begun.
I deftly moved her to the right, determined to finish our clean up when another warm front of pee came in from the west. Still in shock from the brown finger paint – and with my left side now off limits – I was forced to briefly bask in the glory of this introductory golden shower.
It took a good two seconds before I could get her back privates back into the soothing waters of Ashburn, Virginia – but the damage was done.
Now that I’ve joined the Mud Membership Club – I now know what BROWN can do for you!
One of our great concerns over the past couple days, was whether or not the baby was going to start pooping. Indeed, the hospital had warned us to make sure that was happening with great frequency.
What my wife failed to realize, is that as she expressed her concern, the baby was listening. Since the introduction of milk into her diet, the baby has commenced with the creation of wonderful cupfuls of chocolate pudding for us.
This is all well and good, when this strange substance makes it to the diaper – but last night was bath time and Madeleine had been plotting through out the day. Gina was quite excited for Maddie’s first bath in the sink – and apparently, so was Madeliene.
The baby knew that it would all come down to timing. Gina prudently decided that the first course of action (before the landmark bath) was to make sure the baby had been changed – we don’t want any accidents, do we?
But Maddie reminds me of the scene in Jurassic Park when the Sam Neill discovers that the alpha female Raptor possesses frightening intelligence.
The warden points to the female raptor and says, “That one… when she looks at you, you can tell she’s working things out.”
Gina lovingly changed the baby and was headed to the sink when a startled, “Oh no!” came from the bathroom. Our little raptor had unleashed a torrent of unmentionables all over Gina – literally from head to toe.
Gina was in a state of shock and awe when I entered the bathroom. “But, but – I had just changed her,” she stammered.
Maddie looked so pleased with herself – I realized that it was just a matter of time before my little raptor covered me in a similar form of Jurassic glory.