Honey Badger

Maddie Turns Photo Shoot into Jail Break

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I won’t sit in it, but I would be happy to move it for you.

Maddie conjured up her inner-Honey Badger for her first formal holiday shoot. The baby was on the run from start to finish and was quoted as saying, “No prison can hold me!”

 

It’s ironic that Maddie kept trying to run into other family’s photo shoots, but had absolutely no interest in sitting still for her own.

 

Her protests were loud, her fuse was short and attitude was just south of plum loco!

 

The photographer was patient even though Maddie continuously made a break for the exit at the beginning of every shot. To be fair, the studio was about 40 minutes late in taking our pictures and this directly encroached into Maddie’s naptime.

 

When all was said and done, Maddie had some very cute shots. That’s a miracle considering the honey badger spent her afternoon, running, ducking, thrashing and spinning.

 

We’ve already contacted National Geographic and the next time we decide to take pictures, they will send out a wildlife photographer who has experience with dangerous jungle savages like the Mad Madster.

Honey Badger Demands Shots Once a Week

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Hey Doc, Hit me with your best SHOT!

Just before leaving the pediatrician’s office, Maddie stared down the doctor. With defiance plastered across her face she declared, “Next time, hit me with a bigger needle and put your back into it!”

Maddie took her cue from Rocky IV this week when her poor little body was covered with bumps and she was racked with sickness. The evil Russian from the movie, Dolph Lundgren tells little Rocky, “I must break you!” Sly Stallone, always the smart one replies, “Go for it!”

That was just a movie, but my little Honey Badger is toughness personified.

Maddie took the worst her one-year vaccinations had to offer and shrugged it off in a little more than 24 hours. As if being sick wasn’t enough, Maddie bounced her left cheekbone off the corner of the living room table. She cried for less than 30 seconds and kept on playing as if nothing had happened.

Her grandmother MiMi always called Maddie a “Toughie,” but this is just ridiculous. Maddie even has a grizzly bear carpet in her room. The bear isn’t dead, it’s just too scared to move.

Baby Running on Empty After Trip to Grandma’s House

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The trip to grandma’s house began with a long stint in a traffic jam of biblical proportions. Maddie kept a stiff upper lip for the better part of 30 minutes, but one by one, the wheels started to come off.

The baby finally started falling asleep despite the fact that we were stuck next to a rumbling cement truck with squeaky brakes. Just as she nodded off, some ex-con or possibly a wanted felon zipped by us on motorcycle. The chopper jolted the baby awake and she was nothing short of delighted. Thanks buddy, you’re the best! Maddie spent the rest of the drive sharing her thoughts with me on the depths of my ineptitude.

Just minutes before we reached grandma and grandpa’s place, Maddie fell sound asleep. I let the car coast to a stop so Maddie could catch a few more winks, but that plan didn’t work out either. Even though the baby was grumpy, her grandparents were delighted to see her.

Grandpa and I exited the premises while Maddie spent the next couple of hours playing with grandma. To her credit, the crazed honey badger fought back any and all attempts to put her down for a nap. When I got back to the house, my exhausted little muffin buried her face in my shoulder and wouldn’t make eye contact with me. Oh did this little girl need a nap!

I was worried about putting her back into the car, but she didn’t even put up a fight. Within moments, Maddie was passed out and dreaming of all the new ways she will find to beat down nap time once and for all.

What Happens When Dad Gets Sick?

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I’m sorry, sick days will not be honored

At 1am, I knew I was in serious trouble. It was the first time since Maddie’s birth that she would be stuck with a sick parent. My stomach was in dire straights and I felt deathly ill. However, all of my thoughts revolved around making sure Maddie didn’t suffer the same fate.

As if I didn’t feel badly enough, Maddie sounded an earsplitting wakeup call promptly at 4:30am. Now we had a real party on our hands. There was no way to explain to the baby that her father was not up to par.

It was a lucky thing for me that Maddie’s grandmother would be awake soon. The burning stomach and pounding head would have to wait. Again, all my thoughts revolved around making sure that I did not infect the baby.

Once MiMi was awake, relief was close at hand. The only problem was that she was exhausted from waking up too early. What a pair, a sick father and a cranky baby – MiMi was in for a real treat. The baby was running around like crazy and I was no help at all.

I even tried to take a stroll with them, but barely made it to the end of the block before turning around. It wasn’t until the early afternoon before I was finally able to help MiMi with the honey badger.

Maddie was chalk-full of craziness all day long, but MiMi held her at bay long enough for us to regroup and join forces. All in all, Maddie had a good day despite the fact that her dad was under the weather.

Mission Impossible – Don’t Wake the Baby

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Whatever you do, don’t wake the baby!
Mission: Extract paper bag without waking baby
Strategy: Snatch and grab with great stealth
Risk:  Waking up ravenous honey badger
 
Maddie just finished up a monster-sized lunch with her friends in Central Jersey. Before leaving the restaurant, Maddie’s father was tasked with bringing home lunch to the baby’s mother. As Dad packed the car, he put the salad on the floor so Maddie could not extract the contents while sitting in her baby seat.
 
At first, this seemed like a solid strategy. This way the salad would not be forgotten when it was time to extract Maddie. What Dad did not take into account was what would happen if Maddie fell asleep. But sure enough, just 15 minutes from home, the baby was down for the count. We know all too well that if you wake the baby from her nap, she won’t give you a second chance to put her down for several hours. 
 
I scan the review mirror and see the sleeping form of my little angel and realize that we have a long dark mission in front of us and someone is bound to get dirty. I place a stealth call to Maddie’s mother to warn her of our potential disaster. Mom makes her way downstairs just as I pull up with Maddie.
 
The paper bag holding the salad might as well be an M-80 quarter stick of dynamite. Maddie is never able to sleep through that wicked crinkling noise a paper bag makes. Maddie parents begin exchanging intricate hand signals trying to determine the best way to deliver lunch without waking the beast.
 
Gina made the “roll down the window” motion to see if she could reach the salad behind the passenger seat. As soon as the window crept down, some guy with a nail gun started firing away across the street. Maddie opened her eyes as Gina commando rolled onto the sidewalk and out of sight. By the time Gina hit the deck, the window was already rolled back up and somehow the baby had fallen back asleep.
 
We followed the same procedure for attempt #2. This time mom started gently lifting the bag, but was blocked by a child’s toy that would surely wake Maddie up. Maddie stirred and her mom froze in place – but this time the baby did not open her eyes. Mom delicately maneuvered the salad out of the vehicle as we simultaneously pulled into the flow of traffic. The baby was still asleep, mom had her salad and our mission was accomplished!!   –