Honey Badger
Maddie Turns Photo Shoot into Jail Break
Maddie conjured up her inner-Honey Badger for her first formal holiday shoot. The baby was on the run from start to finish and was quoted as saying, “No prison can hold me!”
It’s ironic that Maddie kept trying to run into other family’s photo shoots, but had absolutely no interest in sitting still for her own.
Her protests were loud, her fuse was short and attitude was just south of plum loco!
The photographer was patient even though Maddie continuously made a break for the exit at the beginning of every shot. To be fair, the studio was about 40 minutes late in taking our pictures and this directly encroached into Maddie’s naptime.
When all was said and done, Maddie had some very cute shots. That’s a miracle considering the honey badger spent her afternoon, running, ducking, thrashing and spinning.
We’ve already contacted National Geographic and the next time we decide to take pictures, they will send out a wildlife photographer who has experience with dangerous jungle savages like the Mad Madster.
Honey Badger Demands Shots Once a Week
Just before leaving the pediatrician’s office, Maddie stared down the doctor. With defiance plastered across her face she declared, “Next time, hit me with a bigger needle and put your back into it!”
Maddie took her cue from Rocky IV this week when her poor little body was covered with bumps and she was racked with sickness. The evil Russian from the movie, Dolph Lundgren tells little Rocky, “I must break you!” Sly Stallone, always the smart one replies, “Go for it!”
That was just a movie, but my little Honey Badger is toughness personified.
Maddie took the worst her one-year vaccinations had to offer and shrugged it off in a little more than 24 hours. As if being sick wasn’t enough, Maddie bounced her left cheekbone off the corner of the living room table. She cried for less than 30 seconds and kept on playing as if nothing had happened.
Her grandmother MiMi always called Maddie a “Toughie,” but this is just ridiculous. Maddie even has a grizzly bear carpet in her room. The bear isn’t dead, it’s just too scared to move.
Baby Running on Empty After Trip to Grandma’s House
The trip to grandma’s house began with a long stint in a traffic jam of biblical proportions. Maddie kept a stiff upper lip for the better part of 30 minutes, but one by one, the wheels started to come off.
The baby finally started falling asleep despite the fact that we were stuck next to a rumbling cement truck with squeaky brakes. Just as she nodded off, some ex-con or possibly a wanted felon zipped by us on motorcycle. The chopper jolted the baby awake and she was nothing short of delighted. Thanks buddy, you’re the best! Maddie spent the rest of the drive sharing her thoughts with me on the depths of my ineptitude.
Just minutes before we reached grandma and grandpa’s place, Maddie fell sound asleep. I let the car coast to a stop so Maddie could catch a few more winks, but that plan didn’t work out either. Even though the baby was grumpy, her grandparents were delighted to see her.
Grandpa and I exited the premises while Maddie spent the next couple of hours playing with grandma. To her credit, the crazed honey badger fought back any and all attempts to put her down for a nap. When I got back to the house, my exhausted little muffin buried her face in my shoulder and wouldn’t make eye contact with me. Oh did this little girl need a nap!
I was worried about putting her back into the car, but she didn’t even put up a fight. Within moments, Maddie was passed out and dreaming of all the new ways she will find to beat down nap time once and for all.
What Happens When Dad Gets Sick?
At 1am, I knew I was in serious trouble. It was the first time since Maddie’s birth that she would be stuck with a sick parent. My stomach was in dire straights and I felt deathly ill. However, all of my thoughts revolved around making sure Maddie didn’t suffer the same fate.
As if I didn’t feel badly enough, Maddie sounded an earsplitting wakeup call promptly at 4:30am. Now we had a real party on our hands. There was no way to explain to the baby that her father was not up to par.
It was a lucky thing for me that Maddie’s grandmother would be awake soon. The burning stomach and pounding head would have to wait. Again, all my thoughts revolved around making sure that I did not infect the baby.
Once MiMi was awake, relief was close at hand. The only problem was that she was exhausted from waking up too early. What a pair, a sick father and a cranky baby – MiMi was in for a real treat. The baby was running around like crazy and I was no help at all.
I even tried to take a stroll with them, but barely made it to the end of the block before turning around. It wasn’t until the early afternoon before I was finally able to help MiMi with the honey badger.
Maddie was chalk-full of craziness all day long, but MiMi held her at bay long enough for us to regroup and join forces. All in all, Maddie had a good day despite the fact that her dad was under the weather.
Mission Impossible – Don’t Wake the Baby
Mission: Extract paper bag without waking baby
Strategy: Snatch and grab with great stealth
Risk: Waking up ravenous honey badger
Honey Badger Terrorizes Chuck Norris
The Honey Badger has been asleep in Maddie for several weeks now. She hasn’t been what anyone might define as mellow, but some of her more destructive tendencies and rough edges had seemed to be smoothing out a bit.
So just when you thought it was safe to go back into the baby’s room, the Honey Badger has risen again in all of her glory and woe unto anyone who gets tangled up with her.
Her reign of terror got started early this morning during a diaper change. Her mom was changing Maddie when the wild badger suddenly uncoiled on the changing table toppling a full container of water and dousing the floor and her little shelving unit.
Badger – 1 Parents – 0
It was no fun to clean up, but once it was done we put Maddie down for a nap. Please forgive the poor grammar but, “Honey Badger don’t need a nap!” After only 30 minutes in the crib, she was testy and ready to get up.
For some reason she started wildly thrashing when I laid her on the changing table. When I unfastened her diaper, she caught me directly in the lip with a roundhouse kick. It had been a long time since I enjoyed a fat lip, but the Honey Badger indicated it made me look better.
Badger – 2 Parents – 0
After that little stunt, I decided a little extra tummy time was in order. Maddie scooted a bit on her stomach, grabbed the Mozart Cube and drove it right into her face. She shrugged off the blow and gave me a dirty look. (As if I had something to do with such effrontery!)
After that whack to the head, I caved in and sat her up. She celebrated this victory by crashing her cup into the nose of her little orange monkey. Even with this triumph, Maddie was getting very restless. Her mom reached down to soothe the savage beast and was greeted by a probing hand trying to remove her glasses. Maddie’s paw accidentally struck the glasses quite hard driving them into the bridge of her mother’s nose. Her eyes welled up with tears as Maddie continued to try and free the glasses from her mother’s face.
Badger – 3 Parents – 0
It was at this point that the Honey Badge obviously needed some outdoor time. I decided to drag her with me to Chili’s to pick up some takeout dinner. I tried to sit Maddie right in the middle of the counter at the restaurant, but she uncoiled again and managed to snag to the tip jar. I’m not sure why she needs money at this point in her life, but I managed to wrestle the tip jar away before she could destroy it. I smell a comeback!
Badger – 3 Parents – 1
The final leg of our competition culminated at dinner where the Honey Badger ripped through a sizable amount of broccoli like a buzz saw and absolutely coated her entire face with sweet potato. The clean up was a long and arduous process but the ensuing temper tantrum during bathtime really clinched the victory for my sweet little honey badger.
Final Score
Badger – 4 Parents – 1
Better luck next time!
Baby Puts her Stamp on Palm Sunday Service
Maddie’s parents thought they had the perfect strategy going into church this morning. Feed the baby a bottle during mass and she would be the model of decorum. We found some space near the front and immediately broke out the bottle.
Maddie obviously thought this was a great idea. She knocked back the bottle with real gusto. Sure she swiveled her head some and broke contact a few times, but all in all she enjoyed a really nice relaxing bottle. (Or so we thought)
One the bottle was finished, Maddie needed a good look around to take in her surroundings. This quickly devolved into a Daddy versus honey badger wrestling contest. The crazy critter was arching her back, trying to dive onto the floor and delivering round house kicks for all she was worth.
Keep in mind this is no big deal and actually par for the course. Maddie always has ants in her pants and this kickboxing workout in her father’s arms was nothing out of the ordinary. As long as she was keeping quiet, there was nothing to worry about.
As the service progressed however, Maddie decided that she had some complaints she wanted to share with the congregation. There were just murmurs at first, but then Maddie was really ready to express herself. She started off with a complex variety a subtle squeaks and chirps that many people in the immediate area found cute and charming.
But you could see people start to wince when the squeaks morphed into sharply placed scream-bursts. Then the baby snared me into her most famous game also known as the bait-and-switch. The game works like this. Every time we get up to leave, she falls instantly silent. She flashes those gorgeous eyes at me and I’m hypnotized. I’m convinced that she is now ready to behave herself and the shenanigans have come to an end. (S-U-C-K-E-R)
After losing a few rounds of bait-and-switch, it was time to call in the big guns and hand her off to Mom. This kept Maddie quiet for all of 30 seconds until she was off to the races yet again. Mom and Maddie made their way to the back of the church. I caught up a moment later to see both Maddie and her mom covered with spit up. Easter services are only a week away and Maddie will have to work hard to top today’s performance.
Coaxing the Baby Back into Bathtime
Until this week, Maddie’s bedtime bath had always been full of smiles and splashes. But during this particular trip, bathtime has been a bust. Maddie has kind of spoiled us with her lack of fear for new experiences. She hit the pool for the first time yesterday like Michael Phelps. That’s why this sudden anxiety surrounding bathtime has taken her parents by complete surprise.
We’re not sure what the issue is, but Maddie seems to be afraid of the blowup tub. Bathtime has morphed into sheer chaos complete with screaming, crying and multiple early exits from the tub. Bathing the baby before bed has always been a way to soothe Maddie. Now bathtime is revving her up like a honey badger trying to remove the head from a live snake.
Take away the hard edges and confines of the hard plastic tub at home and the baby is obviously breaking down. As soon as she hits the water, she’s like a cat on the hot tin roof. She doing all she can to pivot and claw her way away from the water. The cushiony feel of the tub has Maddie believing that it might swallow her up at any moment.
So this evening we applied Jedi mind tricks to lure Maddie into the tub without having her erupt into hysterics. First we ran the tub before bringing the baby in. Second, we brought her into the bathroom with her clothes still on. And finally, once we got her undressed, I let her stand in the tub instead of lowering her into the water.
Once her feet hit the water, she went right back off the deep end. However, I kept just her feet barely in the water while assuring her that everything was under control. Realizing that she didn’t have to sit in the tub provided a great deal of relief.
The crying stopped, but she remained standing for almost a full minute. It was a very gradual process, but the baby finally trusted the tub enough to continue her normal bathing routine. She reverted back to the baby who loved bathtime right before our eyes. Hopefully we turned the corned on this little speed bump, but with Maddie, you just never know.
Stay Home PaPa 