bad parenting


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These emails are stacking up!!
These emails are stacking up!!

Rainmaker Escapes Without Pants

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I can make it rain up in here!
I can make it rain up in here!

Maddie Turns Photo Shoot into Jail Break

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I won’t sit in it, but I would be happy to move it for you.

Maddie conjured up her inner-Honey Badger for her first formal holiday shoot. The baby was on the run from start to finish and was quoted as saying, “No prison can hold me!”


It’s ironic that Maddie kept trying to run into other family’s photo shoots, but had absolutely no interest in sitting still for her own.


Her protests were loud, her fuse was short and attitude was just south of plum loco!


The photographer was patient even though Maddie continuously made a break for the exit at the beginning of every shot. To be fair, the studio was about 40 minutes late in taking our pictures and this directly encroached into Maddie’s naptime.


When all was said and done, Maddie had some very cute shots. That’s a miracle considering the honey badger spent her afternoon, running, ducking, thrashing and spinning.


We’ve already contacted National Geographic and the next time we decide to take pictures, they will send out a wildlife photographer who has experience with dangerous jungle savages like the Mad Madster.

Naptime Blues Wilt Under Extreme Heat

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Hey look, my parents think I'm a popsicle!

If you’ve been following Maddie’s madcap adventures for the past 3 weeks, you know that naptime has been a bust. A harrowing series of scant 30-minute naps per day have worn out the baby and pushed her parents to the brink.

It seems that all of that is behind us now due to one simple discovery. The baby has not been warm enough during naptime.

Three weeks ago, when we peeled Maddie off of her dad and into the crib, her sleep duration went to the dogs. I originally thought that the loss of my smiling grill and sparkling personality killed the baby’s ability to nap. But amazingly, it was something else altogether. It turns out that the only thing Maddie was missing was Daddy’s torch-like body heat!

So how did the NASA scientists in Maddie’s household make this landmark discovery???

Yesterday, Maddie and her Dad were making a lightning-fast run to Starbucks. By the time they got home, Maddie was hanging limply from the Bjorn sound asleep. Dad rushed inside and gently laid her in the crib. He unzipped her winter gear, but didn’t risk taking off the whole thing.

TWO HOURS LATER the little munchkin was still sawing wood! Sleeping like the angel she is. Eureka! Maddie was struggling with lousy naps because her parents haven’t been bundling her up before naptime. We have never been able to use blankets because Maddie just kicks them off or pulls them over her head.

Thankfully, we have a nifty little invention that we use at night called a Sleep-Sack. It keeps her warm and stops her from munching on or playing with her toes (no seriously!) The problem is that we weren’t using the sack for her naps.

Today we put on the SACK for naptime and once again she slept like a champ during every session. Maddie is taking naps again – Let Freedom Ring!

Baby Endures Disastrous Valentine’s Day

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If you can’t help your wonderful baby girl enjoy her first Valentine’s Day, at least make it memorable.

We have one hard and fast, yet simple rule when it comes to our 6-month-old daughter Maddie – Her waking hours are not to surpass the three-hour mark. You can flirt with the mark, but violate it at your own peril.

I’m not sure how often I need a refresher course on this one, but Maddie laid down the law on me once again tonight.

Our day got off to a rough start because it appears that peaches DO NOT agree with the baby’s digestive track. Her first taste of peaces came around 8 this morning. It will likely be the last taste for months, if not years to come.

Her tummy was all out of whack and under siege from gas attacks all morning. This made any decent naptime very hard to come by. By 2pm, she had only three half hour naps under her belt and if it those numbers stood up, it would be our shortest nap period on record.

After a couple unsuccessful attempts at putting her down for a nap, I noticed that her tummy must be much feeling better. That energy and smile came back and I was overwhelmed by illusions of grandeur. Fantasies of a harmonious and quiet Valentine’s Day bedtime process brought a warm glow to my heart.

As we approached 5pm, I decided to check the diaper and commence bedtime procedures. When I got to the diaper, without going into any gory details, I saw that the evil peaches had been expunged. I got busy changing the diaper when a dark cloud enshrouded the room.

Maddie’s mood was deteriorating and it was time for me to step up the pace. By the time I was done with the diaper, the baby was melting down and I was not prepared.

BUT? How could? What had happened was?

Now I was far out at sea with the shore miles away – I thrashed about and tried to soothe the baby, but it was too late. She had been up too long and I had no answers as to how to help her.

I tried to regroup and let her stew in the crib for a few minutes. That foolish action was met with brutal resistance. Now I have a desperate baby in my arms and there’s nothing to do but cling to the buoy and wait for the storm to pass. The tantrum has settled down all around you and it could have been avoided.

It’s always interesting to be struck with the harsh reality that you have no idea what you are doing. Whatever instincts or intelligence you gather along the way is completely washed away during moments like these. I wish Maddie had spent more time with the selection committee so she could have found a father who had at least half of a clue.

Road to Better Sleep Runs Over Parents

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All this talk about sleep is exhausting!

Even though it’s only day one on the road to establishing proper sleep habits for the baby – it is taking a heavy toll on the parents. Maddie loves a good throw-down and a couple of wide-eyed, eager-to-help parents is just what the doctor ordered. This is in no way a stiff challenge for someone like Maddie, it’s more like an appetizer to get her warmed up.

It all started with the first nap attempt of the day. Maddie was giving PaPa all the right signs to show him that she was ready to sleep. She was relaxed and her eyes were heavy as I began to ease her into the crib.

Maddie was like a little angel straight from heaven as she settled in for what was potentially a nice long nap. About 12 seconds later, she went off like a booby trap on the side of the road. Screams, sirens and carnage now ruled the morning as Maddie lashed out against this horrible indignity. How dare you try to put me down for a nap, “Do you know who I am?”

I tried to soothe and reason with her and that only made things worse. It was now eight in the morning and Maddie already had me on the ropes – Good Times! The experts indicate that you must be persistent in pushing the naps, but they never had to go head to head with the Mad Madster.

After about 10 minutes of soothing, Maddie finally gave up, stopped crying and gave into sleep. My Lord, I’ve done it!

I strolled into the kitchen like William the Conqueror – hungry for breakfast after my epic victory. That’s when I noticed the walls of Jericho beginning to sway to and fro – the little girl was awake and was on the verge of bringing the walls down! Once again, Maddie was forced to communicate her extreme displeasure with the ineptitude of her father at the top of her lungs. Now the little girl is dug in and more determined than ever to put an end to this sleep nonsense.

By 8:20am, the signs of parental damage were everywhere. The vanquished father lifted the triumphant and sleepless baby out of the crib to show the throng of Maddie admirers the power and majesty of true defiance. Keep in mind this was only the first nap attempt of the day. Believe me when I tell you that things never got any easier. By 8pm, both parents were dead on their feet and already wondering what wonderful late-night plans Maddie had in store for both of them.