Birthing Process
Maddie Makes Stunning Debut
16:50
Weighing in at 7 pounds, 14 ounces and 20 inches long, the little girl made her smashing debut on the banks of the Hudson River. Gina was brave beyond measure and I am in awe of her.
No Please – Take Your Sweet Time!
0840
Water broken, but our little princess is surely taking her time. Contractions firing on all cylinders. Cue Ridin’ by Chamillionaire because Mom needs a little perscription. Dang, I done spilled my drink!
0900
Pregnant Women are Strong – Here Honey squeeze my hand – Whoops – crush injury – Reconstructive hand surgery scheduled for shortly after we deliver the baby. Staff says I may lose the arm from elbow down. Damn this war!
0940
Cue Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd – Time for the Epidural – ahhhhh, that’s what I’m talking about – even better than box wine!
1010
Cue Danger Zone, Top Gun theme – Gina dons oxygen mask looking like Tom Cruise (I will not leave my wingman) and requests that the baby buzz the tower – STILL no joy – but the mask makes a true fashion statement.
1115
Secret Weapon
Gina is 10 cm now – starting to get restless until I pull out the US weekly – please everyone, pray for my girl Jay-Lo!
1145
Not going anywhere for a while… Using Almond Joys to bait the child out of hiding
1335
Gina asked what the market was doing. I told her it was getting creamed. Then she asked me what sectors were under-performing. Ummmmmmm?
Discomfort Stocks Soar Amid Speculation of Infant Siting
00:43
Gina sleeping as I undertake stealthy bed making maneuvers. Slight miscalculation leads to loud crash. Pregnant wife not overly entertained.
00:58
IV knocked loose – blood and fluid oozing onto the bed.
More proof that child birth is good clean fun!
01:26
Evil vending machine holding Mounds bar hostage – rescue operations under consideration.
02:00
And we are walking the halls.
Still no joy in Mudville!
07:48
Doc breaks water during contraction – Things are heating up!!
We Check In – Will Munchkin Chicken Out?
20:13
Upon arriving at the hospital, the doctor asks us, “So why are you guys here?” Nothing like a sense of humor!
21:00
I try Chopin’s Nocturn in F-Sharp to induce labor.
21:28
We switch to Beethoven.
Gina is pacing back and forth.
I’m bouncing a tennis ball to hit an imaginary serve when Gina proclaims: “Look at us! Type-A people should not be allowed to pro-create!”
23:00 Rap Inspiration:
Classical music not inducing labor. Switch to Ice Cube, “You can do it, put your back into it!”
0010
She decided that the 28th just wasn’t good enough!
Now We’re Getting Somewhere
My wife Gina and I were told to report the hospital around 7pm for the arrival of our first child.
“Go home and relax,” they said. Oh sure, of course, just chill out, take a nap, get paid.
The fact of the matter is that two type “A” personalities can only take it sooo easy before the wheels come off.
After five years of enticement, I did finally get my wife to listen to and actually enjoy the Doors. (focus on the small victories)
Now that she has drifted off to sleep, I’ve already switched my music to the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I’m left with their voices and my thoughts to help quell any inner anxieties.
In case your wondering, I’m a stay at home Dad. Welll, not yet, but soon enough.
I’ve heard multiple opinions on this matter.
“Jesus, get him some help.” “Men can’t manage a baby by themselves.” “Did Oswald act alone?”
I’ve decided that indeed I can raise this child – like a champ in case you are wondering. It just might take a little trial and error.
Popular opinion says everything is about to change. But don’t things always change? How crazy can this process really be?
That question will probably take many years to answer – but please use this as a guide or narrative as to where this unfolding adventure might lead us.
Stay Home PaPa 