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Desperation Strikes When Good Nipples Go Bad

Posted on November 10, 2011 Updated on December 5, 2011

Maddie has never been overly impressed with the people tasked to feed her – but some recent stumbles during the feeding process have forced the baby to reevaluate the competency of the people around her.

For the second time in two days – our household has been rocked by catastrophic nipple failures. This occurs when you are more than halfway through a bottle-feeding and the nipple jams up. But there is no way for the feeder to know this and the only way to discover that this breakdown has taken place is the rising anxiety of a very frustrated baby.

Maddie quickly determines that this nipple stoppage is the result of saboteurs bent on starving her to death. She starts to flail as the ignorant feeder fumbles for an explanation. The baby’s eyes are on fire now as a crimson hue rises from her cheeks and creeps up to her forehead. Then the screaming kicks in as the feeder struggles to contemplate the cause of this latest outburst.

–

• Is it gas?  Attempts to burp go very badly.
• Is it the diaper?  You just made things worse.
• Place the bottle back in the mouth?  Now you really did it!

The temper tantrum has reached fever pitch and the little girl has turned to the dark side! The feeder is reeling now, trying to figure out what to do tied down to the train tracks as a 60 mph freight train is only moments from impact.

Wait, it’s never happened before, but – could there be a problem with the bottle? I point the infernal device at my arm and squeeze. Not a drop?? Go to DEFCON 3, we have complete nipple failure.

By this time the baby is insane. It’s time for the Ozzy Osbourne emergency procedure – bite the head off of the nipple and execute a commando roll into the kitchen for a new one. Tough to do with the baby in one arm, but it’s the last and only hope for survival. With a bomb maker’s precision, the new nipple is secured using only one hand.  

The hysterical child finally gets the repaired bottle and suddenly the house falls quiet. The feeder is left with their muddled thoughts, punishing headache and a wild disdain for those evil nipple gods!  

(100th Story)