Milk Manipulation Manifesto
Maddie has never been overly impressed with the people tasked to feed her – but some recent stumbles during the feeding process have forced the baby to reevaluate the competency of the people around her.
For the second time in two days – our household has been rocked by catastrophic nipple failures. This occurs when you are more than halfway through a bottle-feeding and the nipple jams up. But there is no way for the feeder to know this and the only way to discover that this breakdown has taken place is the rising anxiety of a very frustrated baby.
Maddie quickly determines that this nipple stoppage is the result of saboteurs bent on starving her to death. She starts to flail as the ignorant feeder fumbles for an explanation. The baby’s eyes are on fire now as a crimson hue rises from her cheeks and creeps up to her forehead. Then the screaming kicks in as the feeder struggles to contemplate the cause of this latest outburst.
- Is it gas? Attempts to burp go very badly.
- Is it the diaper? You just made things worse.
- Place the bottle back in the mouth? Now you really did it!
The temper tantrum has reached fever pitch and the little girl has turned to the dark side! The feeder is reeling now, trying to figure out what to do tied down to the train tracks as a 60 mph freight train is only moments from impact.
Wait, it’s never happened before, but – could there be a problem with the bottle? I point the infernal device at my arm and squeeze. Not a drop?? Go to DEFCON 3, we have complete nipple failure.
By this time the baby is insane. It’s time for the Ozzy Osbourne emergency procedure – bite the head off of the nipple and execute a commando roll into the kitchen for a new one. Tough to do with the baby in one arm, but it’s the last and only hope for survival. With a bomb maker’s precision, the new nipple is secured using only one hand.
The hysterical child finally gets the repaired bottle and suddenly the house falls quiet. The feeder is left with their muddled thoughts, punishing headache and a wild disdain for those evil nipple gods!
There’s actually a great deal of gamesmanship when it comes to breast-feeding. Babies expose their parents to a myriad of tricks and tribulations to keep the milk bar open well past closing time.
Our baby (the maestro) is so well versed in the Milk-Manipulation Manifesto, that we decided to brand and define some her more overt tactics as she wages the never-ending battle for unlimited mother’s milk.
A blind series of head maneuvering for mother’s milk. Little Stevie tries to find her food source without bothering to open her eyes. This leads to the Stevie Wonder head fakes swiveling back and forth while blindly trying to locate the milk bar. This tactic rarely meets with any real success.
Baby is locked and loaded and seemingly ready to eat – but then inexplicably and spontaneously pops off – This is quite similar to the lineman who flattens the quarterback before the ball is snapped and then bitterly complains about the penalty.
This is when Little Helen breaks into a screaming feeding frenzy-induced tantrum accompanied by multiple kicks and flailing arms. If you notice a Helen Keller coming on – it’s best to put in a mouthpiece and crash helmet before things really heat up. Once she hits pay dirt however, the craziness is called off and all is right in the world yet again.
Sleeping on the Job:
The feeding is underway, but the baby is dead asleep at her post. She barely goes through the motions, but won’t allow the fact that she is sleeping to deter her from going for the gold. Any attempt to remove the subject from the bar results in vigorous, but short-lived attempts at additional feeding.
Gaming the System:
This is similar to sleeping on the job except for the fact that the baby is wide awake. She’s pretending to feed, but just going through the motions without taking on any milk. This is a direct attempt to mislead the coach so that the baby can stay in the game. The last thing she wants is to be pulled from the game to sit and sulk on the bench.
The customer feigns being satisfied after a feeding – but then quickly becomes distraught after realizing she really wasn’t full. Or was she? Even we can’t remember. If the milk bar isn’t opened again in short order, this could trigger a Helen Keller response and an angry call to the corporate office.