The set up was perfect.
We recreated every detail down to the time of day, temperature, even clothing.
Our drive down to Virginia a week earlier had been a smashing success – Maddie slept the whole way and we were in awe of our brilliance.
Enter the Klumps – despite our elaborate planning and meticulous attention to detail – Maddie proved that what works one time, is no guarantee for success during the next go around.
Our seamless drive down to Virginia was the polar opposite of last night’s funny little trip home.
The little lioness was wild right of the box. As we gently placed her in the car seat – “The child done lost her mind!” The screaming started and we realized that we might be in for a rocky trip. We went through the checklist – Maddie was in good shape, but man, she was cantankerous! The little lungs that initially emitted a tropical depression, were revving up to hurricane speed. We made it a little less than 20 minutes when we pulled over see if we could calm the storm. 45 minutes later, the little girl was finally ready for sleep.
The next 140 miles were smooth as silk, it was the magical carpet ride we had all dreamed about – until we ran head long into the diabolical maze of NIGHT CONSTRUCTION!! Oh yes, I-95 went down to one lane ONLY 2 different times during a 6-mile span in the useless state of Delaware!
Somehow Maddie slept her way through it – but it was the construction project on the wild and wonderful New Jersey Turnpike that proved to be our undoing. Mad Maddie unleashed the fury and we were stuck in the toxic New Jersey soup.
Finally we made our way to a rest stop so Maddie could pick up some Mom’s milk – but by that time – the weary trio just wanted it to be over.
Less than an hour later – Mom and baby were safely tucked away in bed – and Stay Home PaPa was left to ponder where it all went wrong.
Perhaps watching the beginning of Bloodsport with Jean-Claude Van Damme with Maddie in the room wasn’t the best move last night. After all, she was already in the midst of a pretty impressive temper tantrum and every time she heard Jean-Claude’s voice, her fierce gaze contorted and her biceps quivered.
Recent diaper changes have been marred by violence as Maddie has begun the new practice of delivering roundhouse kicks to my head with every attempt to fasten the diaper along with hand thrusts that would make Mr. Miyagi bubble with pride. Every diaper change is now conducted with a precautionary mouth piece and padded crash helmet for that added Maddie protection.
Maddie’s aggressive training regimen now includes bare-knuckle pushups, triple back flips and unbridled boppy biting. My baby is also perfecting her uppercut motions and head-strike combos for reasons I am unable to comprehend. She’s even put up a Joe Eposito, “You’re the Best” poster in her crib!! (Listen to Maddie’s soundtrack at the bottom of this post)
Maddie got a head start on her training before she was born because her Mom continued kickboxing classes throughout the second trimester. This gave our little warrior the edge she needed to make sure she was keeping Dad in line.
Even in her deepest sleep – you will often hear a primal scream ring out accompanied by a double fist pump. I’ve taken to crouching in the corner at night with a large flashlight and an industrial grade cattle prod to ward off any unprovoked attacks.