baby bottle

Playtex Baby Bottles, Bad from the Bottom Up!

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Must you burden me with these defective bottles?

For the last six months, I have forced myself not to waste any space on this topic. Today, the wonderful people at Playtex have finally broken me down.

If you work for Playtex, it’s probably better that you skip this article. I don’t know anything about any other Playtex products, but its baby bottle division should be shuttered today. I mean clear out the plant and have it hermetically sealed so that the atmosphere is not contaminated by its vapors of ineptitude.

For such a simple device as a baby’s bottle, I have run into leaky bottles far too many times to mention. When getting a bottle ready to feed my sweet six-month-old daughter, I rate my chances of success at somewhere below 70 percent. That’s never good when you have a baby that is adamant about being fed in a timely manner.

For the first couple weeks of parenting you just blame yourself. I must be doing it wrong – maybe the bottom isn’t on properly, the sun was in my eyes, blah, blah, blah. But after preparing 4 to 6 bottles a day for six months – I have a pretty good idea of how the process is supposed to work. However, despite my best efforts, the bottles still leak, time and time again. Sometimes it leaks in the sink, other times all over the baby and most of the time on me.

Maybe I just got one bad batch of bottles? No dice. I have replaced the bottles on too many occasions. Sometimes by the pack, sometimes individually – but about 3 out of every ten bottles still spring the mysterious leak.

Why not get rid of the bad ones? Tried that to. Started cutting them in half after each mishap. This just led to a bottle shortage in the house.

When you constantly face a 30% chance of failure for something as simple as making a bottle – it can become a bit frustrating. Like most things in today’s society, these bottles are obviously designed to break down quickly. I suppose that’s supposed to be a good marketing strategy, but I’m not a big fan.

I think we would actually have more luck with one of those beer bong hats. It only took me 6-months to figure it out, but rest assured, Playtex has worn out its welcome for our baby!

Baby Hijacks Bottle, Assumes Control of Feeding Time

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Who has the bottle now?

Maddie decided that due to recent shortcomings in the feeding process, she was ready to grab the bull by the horns, literally! The little girl has always sported an impressive grip, but we still thought it would be some time before she was able to hold onto the bottle all by herself.

Well with Maddie, the surprises just keep on coming.

Maddie and her mom were knocking out the night time feeding when the baby decided that enough was enough. The bottle was within reach and the little girl made her grab for glory! The baby stripped the bottle away like a linebacker and just kept on drinking – didn’t even spill a drop. Maddie’s mom says it all just happened so fast.

Gina eyed the baby with curiosity and disbelief in her eyes – “John,” she called, “C’mere, hurry!”

I rushed into the room and sure enough, Maddie had a kung fu death grip (both hands) locked onto the bottle. As usual, she was gulping it down as if these were the last precious ounces that might ever pass her lips. She had the look that seemed to say, “I have assumed control of this bottle. Any attempts to dislodge or take this bottle away will be met with brute force. Resistance is futile!”

It will still be sometime before the baby can actually feed herself, but for one triumphant evening, she cut the parents out of the food consumption process and made a statement about what we might expect in the months to come.

“You have interfered with my meals for the last time,” inferred Maddie. “The next time I don’t get the bottle when I want it, you will have to deal with these super human hands of destruction.”

It seems that Maddie would have us believe that she has already had her hands registered as lethal weapons. Don’t get me wrong, she does have an amazing grip – but she might have to keep her ridiculous parents around for just a little bit longer, possibly for burping purposes.

Waiter Botches Baby’s Bottle Prep

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I would like my waiter medium rare please!

Maddie had her first lunch in the company of another baby on Monday afternoon at a local Thai restaurant. As soon as we came through the door – I could see the look of fear and confusion clouding the face of the young man who was to be our server.

Strangely, having babies in his section was very unnerving for this young man. He stammered as he took our order – casting quick nervous glances from baby to baby as if one of them might jump on his head and bite him in the eye.

On the surface, the concept of using hot water to heat the baby’s bottle seems rather simple – but apparently there are several complexities to this process that never even occurred to me.

I told the waiter that I would eventually need some boiling water for the baby’s bottle. To his credit, he rushed a cup of boiling water right out to me – but Maddie was still sleeping and not ready for her bottle.

15 minutes later – Maddie was stirring, but the water had gotten cold. When I asked the server for a second cup of hot water – things took a very strange turn. He took the cup away and returned moments later with the same cup. I stuck my finger in the cup only discover that he had topped it off the cup with cold water.

Hmmm, I must be missing something. I called the server back and asked him if he could heat it up for me. He took the cup away and brought back a small ceramic teapot with a tiny hole in the top. The water was hot this time – but there was no cup and the baby’s bottle was too large to fit in the teapot.

OK – Let’s try again. I kindly asked the server to bring me an empty cup – sure enough; he came back with another cup – but this time it was full of cold water. At this point, Maddie is more than restless and our server has proven to be more than clueless. Let’s face it – this guy needs to be featured in the ESPN segment called, “C’Mon Man!”

Sorry Maddie – but today you are stuck with milk at room temperature. In retrospect, Maddie probably should have gone ahead and given the server a good bite on the arm. It might have been warmer than the cold water he kept bringing to the table.