There is a small pocket of nerds in the universe (like me) who are familiar with the dreaded Kobayashi Maru test. This is a fictional simulation exam from the world of Star Trek where cadets at the Starfleet Academy are thrust into a “No-Win” Scenario – not a hotdog eating contest!
Their mission is to rescue a crippled vessel, the Kobayashi Maru, from certain destruction at the hands of the nefarious Klingons. The only catch is, it’s supposedly a character building exercise – you can’t win. One is forced to either leave the civilians to their fate or get blown up trying to save them.
There’s a new “No-Win” nighttime phenomenon that’s really taken our household by storm. Our little girl Maddie has added her own special twist to the affliction known as “nighttime sweats.” Instead of sweating though – her special nighttime brand of humor is called the “Nighttime Wets!”
As if diaper changing wasn’t enough fun all by itself, sprinkle in the “Nighttime Wets” and you have a real party on your hands. The good times roll like this – You wake up in the middle of the night and it’s your turn to man the pumps.
You arrive at the diaper changing station all sleepy eyed and filled with dreams. You peel back the diaper to initiate a structured clean up operation – when the silent alarm bells start chiming in your head.
We have a breach in sector one – “All hands on deck!” The flash flood moves through the slot canyon with break-neck speed. You try to close the hatch, but the flow is already on the move eating up everything in its path. Damage reports flash across the console:
…changing cover down…
…new diaper down…
…back up cloth diaper down…
…swaddle blanket critical…
…baby’s shirt – ‘Ay, caramba!’
…personal hygiene – DON’T ASK!
You scramble to make sense of it all, but the child knows that you are now at the mercy of the flood.
You send in reinforcements – baby wipes are thrown down like sandbags – but now you sense a new threat – The showers were only a precursor to a much more dire situation – INCOMING!!! “Mr. Scott – Shields UP!”
The first brown rounds ripple out with a force not thought possible. The hull has been breached and decks 1-4 are gone! “One more hit like that and the shields will buckle!!” Ay mami, I did not know you could do it like that! Cue LL Cool J, “Think I’m gonna need backup!”
Backup arrives too late, alas, the Kobayashi Maru has been destroyed yet again with all hands reported lost.
Cue LL Cool Jay one last time, as the baby has proven once again, “Cause I’m too bad for ya, Understand?”