A special thanks to AMC Theatres:
I have called, written and e-mailed, but they have made no effort to contact me.
They could care less about how many times you have to hustle your 3-year-old birthday girl in and out of the theater while they show MURDEROUS movie previews for Dracula, Killer Storms, Exodus and a Russian Mob Movie with Denzel.
With each fresh set of murders, we hustled Maddie out of the theater while all of our complaints fell on deaf ears. Mommy kept Mads roaming the halls as the bodies stacked up high on the screen.
After those gentle previews, they gave us some free movie passes and started the film 45 minutes late. But wait, there’s more!!
The movie is almost too blurry to watch – Then someone comes in and says, Planes is not available any longer, you can only view the movie in 3D. Maddie, get those those glasses so you can witness murder in 3d!
All this for my daughter’s first movie experience – Thanks AMC, we will always go out of our way to find any other theater. Thanks for the lousy customer service and complete disregard for small children – you must be very proud.
Some type of unholy alliance was forged at our condo during the early morning hours. Everyone was blissfully asleep when the screenplay for Paranormal Activity played itself out just before 3am. A sharp and distinct clattering sound jarred both the parents and baby from their much needed slumber.
With an over aggressive fight instinct, I popped out of ready for God-only-knows-what. My wife started to follow me when I snapped, “Stay here!” I silently quick-stepped into the hall, all senses straining to pick up any foreign sounds around the house. I slipped into the bathroom quickly checking behind the shower curtain – Empty!
No one was in the kitchen so I stopped in the hall again, straining to hear anything out of the ordinary – Nothing. Now I’m scanning the living room in the darkness looking for things out of place. I look over towards the stairwell and see a slat from the window lying on the floor. Mystery solved, the wood on wood clatter noise came from some faulty glue that had come undone in the middle of the night.
I still complete a quick search to make sure nothing else is amiss and head back the to the bedroom to tell my wife that all is well in Mudville. The only problem is that with all that adrenaline coursing through my system, I’m starving to death. English muffin time!
I stick one in the toaster and smoke comes pouring out of the infernal device. With a terribly over-sensitive smoke detector, I have about 30 seconds before the smoke alarm goes off and wakes up not only my family, but everyone else in the building as well.
I scrambled over to that stupid window that caused this entire ruckus in the first place and threw it open. Then I dashed into the bedroom to grab a fan. I fired the fan directly at the smoke detector praying that I was quick enough to head off the ensuing high-pitched scream of the alarm.
Seconds tick by, the smell of smoke still permeates the air, but the alarm is silent and Maddie is still sleeping peacefully.
My adrenaline is completely spent now and I head off to bed for some well-deserved rest. I was out as soon as my head hit the pillow. The sleep washed over me for a full ten minutes before Maddie announced her presence with authority. Now that the house had settled down, the baby was losing it!
As I prepared her bottle, it slowly dawned on me that the evil house had obviously made some anti-parental sleep pact with the baby. Maybe tonight I will be treated to a plague of locusts topped off with a few scorpion bites – Hey, you never know!