Marvel Comics

Baby Unleashes Spider Powers at Starbucks

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My spider sense is going off again!

As you can see from the picture, Spider Girl has been unmasked. Maddie understands that with great power comes great responsibility. Lately, her crime fighting exploits have been taking a toll on her parent’s sleep and her father’s cognitive skills.

This became all too apparent after a family walk to the local Starbucks.

As we were leaving the house, before closing the door behind me, I gave myself the usual pat down. This is the process of patting your pockets to make sure you have the two essentials with you, your wallet and your keys. Satisfied that I had everything I needed, we went on our merry way.

We walked into Starbucks and Maddie got her usual star-studded VIP welcome. They don’t know about her super powers but they are still a big fan of my little girl.

I ordered coffee and reached into my pocket for the wallet. Imagine my surprise when instead of my wallet, I discovered the baby monitor. Whoops – the baby monitor is very similar in shape and size to the wallet, but one major difference is that it doesn’t hold any money.

I told the barista to stop my order unless she would let me trade the baby monitor for my coffee. She very pleasantly told me that not only could I hold onto the baby monitor, but I could still have my coffee as well. She smiled and said, “Don’t worry Mr. Mom, we’ll take care of it!”

This is just one of many reasons why Starbucks is one of my favorite places. Not only does Maddie have a huge fan base there, but also the people who work there have a great attitude and always provide superior customer service.

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Bigger Threat: Maddie’s Nails or Wolverine’s Claws?

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Wolverine only has six claws

Believe it or not, cutting the baby’s finger and toenails is a very risky business.

Before Maddie was born, I remember worrying about a list of very silly things. I was worried about my reaction to poop, spit up and other various bodily fluids. In retrospect, these fears were largely unfounded. Without going into detail, getting hit with one fluid or another or even a nice combo just isn’t a big deal.

However, fingernails and toenails are a big deal. It’s one of those things that never even crossed my mind until I was faced with the challenge of it all. These things grow like wildfire and can be a hazard to both you and your baby. One day we have a neatly trimmed set of nails and a couple days later they are longer and sharper than a set of Samurai swords.

Maddie has gashed herself more times than I care to recall with both her fingernails and toenails. Nasty slashes show up on her face, legs and stomach like she went toe-to-toe with Freddie Cruger. If you are not a parent, you are now saying to yourself, “Why don’t you just cut them?”

GOOD QUESTION.

Let me help with that one. First of all, let’s do a quick metric lesson. One millimeter is about the width of a dime. A baby’s sharpened talon is often less than two millimeters long. Houston, we have a problem!

I’ve been cutting those microscopic nails for seven months now and it’s not really much easier now than it was then. Size is one problem, the other problem is that Maddie Scissorhands never stops moving. She’s always zigging and zaggin like a honey badger trying to bite a snake in the head.

Once the baby clippers come out (regular clippers with pink plastic) Maddie starts somersaulting around her bedroom while throwing a series of roundhouse kicks that would make Mr. Miyagi green with envy.

Somehow, through this storm of kicks, swats, pivots and squirms you are supposed to clip these nails that can only be seen under the brightest of lights.

As if that’s not enough, throw in the fact that with each clip, the baby jerks her hand or foot back as if you have severed the entire appendage. This means that with every clip, you have to deal with a surge of adrenaline that leaves you breathless.

So far, I have only clipped her finger once and it was a HORRIBLE feeling that left me riddled with guilt. Instead of cutting nails, give me a big old stinky stack of poopy diapers any day.