Perhaps watching the beginning of Bloodsport with Jean-Claude Van Damme with Maddie in the room wasn’t the best move last night. After all, she was already in the midst of a pretty impressive temper tantrum and every time she heard Jean-Claude’s voice, her fierce gaze contorted and her biceps quivered.
Recent diaper changes have been marred by violence as Maddie has begun the new practice of delivering roundhouse kicks to my head with every attempt to fasten the diaper along with hand thrusts that would make Mr. Miyagi bubble with pride. Every diaper change is now conducted with a precautionary mouth piece and padded crash helmet for that added Maddie protection.
Maddie’s aggressive training regimen now includes bare-knuckle pushups, triple back flips and unbridled boppy biting. My baby is also perfecting her uppercut motions and head-strike combos for reasons I am unable to comprehend. She’s even put up a Joe Eposito, “You’re the Best” poster in her crib!! (Listen to Maddie’s soundtrack at the bottom of this post)
Maddie got a head start on her training before she was born because her Mom continued kickboxing classes throughout the second trimester. This gave our little warrior the edge she needed to make sure she was keeping Dad in line.
Even in her deepest sleep – you will often hear a primal scream ring out accompanied by a double fist pump. I’ve taken to crouching in the corner at night with a large flashlight and an industrial grade cattle prod to ward off any unprovoked attacks.
For Immediate Release:
Madeleine International announces the formation of the Infant Mixed Martial Arts Association (IMMAA) At just five days old; Madeleine Adams realized that gentle rocking and the sound of silence are just not her style. She decided to form the league in the spirit of carnage among like-minded infants.
Madeleine says that acting cute and cuddly during the day is ok with her – as long as you are willing to bring it each and every night.
Maddie went on to say that unlike the delicate little pansies in the current MMA Arena – The IMMAA plans to adopt their motto from Outback Steakhouses, “No Rules, Just Right!”
All fights will include, but not be limited to:
- Eye Gouging
- Hair Pulling
- Fish Hooking
- Groin Strikes
Maddie concluded the press conference with a private screening of Fight Club and was heard to call Brad Pitt a puny little punk.
All kidding aside – Madeleine has shown unlimited affection for loud and abrasive noises, harsh weather conditions as well as rough and bumpy travel conditions.
For a girl that is only 5 days old, she continues to amaze us with her unusually rugged nature.
My wife and I have read a great deal of passages that urge parents to immerse their newborns into a gentle world full of solitude and gentleness. It is my fondest hope that those parents find some solace in these types of articles. In our case, our baby does not fit into any of these categories.
She loves adventure, action and constant stimulation.
Further proof that my girl is an URBAN COMMANDO:
- Thunderstorms have the same affect on her a bottle of NyQuil.
- She cherishes bumpy roads and potholes while riding in her car seat.
- Rumbling over a torn up sidewalk in her stroller is a dream come true.
- We stopped in her stroller not far from the local Light Rail Station – The engineer blew the air horn and she thought it was wildly entertaining.
- A shopping cart with a bad wheel was like a slice of heaven to her.
- Harsh winds bring a smile to her face.
Everything that would annoy or terrify a typical infant, just adds fuel to the fire for my little girl, MAD MADDIE!!