Pool Offers No Refuge When Baby Attacks
The baby attacks have been coming at a torrid pace. Once Maddie hits the ground running, there is no safe haven. She attacks without warning and none of your possessions are safe.
Hats and glasses are obviously a big draw. Lately Maddie has been exploring the field of dentistry by trying to pull out my bottom teeth. Today at the pool, it appeared as if the baby had called a truce.
Maddie took turns letting each parent shuttle her around the pool. She had her legs up, some nice warm water and a pacifier to play with. She snatched the sunglasses off of my face a few times, but all and all, we were seeing a new Maddie. This was a kinder and gentler Maddie who was willing to hang out with the parents and pass the day away.
However, once we lifted the baby out of the water – all bets were off. Maddie’s mom took a little break on her stomach trying to dry off before the walk home. This sent our little junkyard dog over the edge. She started lunging at her mom’s hat trying to claim it for herself. I tried to hold her back, but she threw me into the fence and jumped her mom.
Rescue crews moved with the jaws-of-life to try and pry the hat from the baby, but it was a no-go, the hat now belonged to her. When the police came, the baby told them that she had found the hat by the side of the pool and had mistakenly thought it was hers. Mom tried to contradict the story, but a stern look from Maddie shut her down.
No one knows what finally happened to the hat, but Maddie assured her parents that this is only the beginning.
Pacifier Hunt Triggers Land Shark Feeding Frenzy
Just when you thought it was safe to go near the crib! My wife and I witnessed a series of sinister and terrifying shark attacks this morning on the baby monitor.
We’ve all heard about the chupacabra capture in Texas or the numerous Sasquatch sightings through out the years, but no has ever seen what a crazed land shark is actually capable of once they misplace their pacifier.
As many have you might have noticed, when the land shark is at rest, she takes on the shape of my gorgeous 7-month-old baby girl named Maddie. Those striking eyes and dazzling smile can lull almost anyone into a complete state of euphoria and relaxation.
But when she wants that pacifier and it skitters away – it’s like chum in the water for a bloodthirsty shark. There we were, two doting parents watching our bundle of joy on the baby monitor when Maddie fumbled her pacifier and it slipped out of her reach.
That’s when the transformation began and you could see a dorsal fin rising up from the crib. Perhaps that is a bit of embellishment, but the following remarks include no over-dramatization (not too much anyway).
Maddie wanted that pacifier back and was willing to fight for it. She actually spun and lunged face first for her fleeing pacifier. My wife and I gasped at the spectacle of it all.
When the land shark came up empty, she made another blind face-first-lunge for the elusive prey. This time she face-planted into the mattress, but continued thrashing about in hopes of scaring the pesky thing back to the surface. Sadly her vast efforts did not produce the results she was looking for and the pacifier remained hidden behind her shoulder.
After the heartbreak of a second failed strike, Maddie decided to feed on her feet instead. This was a good plan except for the fact that the pj’s she was wearing had footies on the bottom. The poor land shark finally decided that it would just be easier to order room service.
She let out a few angry hoots to summon the servants that is was time for them to come and pick her up. Later that morning, when Maddie was messing around with her strained prunes and raisins, she took comfort in the knowledge that her next paralyzing strike would come without warning.
Land Shark Launches Surprise Attack at Sidewalk Cafe
On paper, the plan was sound enough. Maddie had just been fed – What better time for us to make a play for our first public lunch with the baby?
Madeleine was a bit restless, but seemed to settle down once we placed her in the stroller. This is what is known as a “false positive.” With each block – the crankiness meter seemed fluctuate a bit. Cue “Riders on the Storm,” by the Doors.
As soon as we sat down at a little outdoor cafe – our little rocker began to sound off. It started off as a dull roar – but it quickly dawned on us that we needed an exit strategy. Cue “We Gotta Get Out of This Place,” by the Animals.
Gina was worried about disturbing the other guests – and pondered getting our meal to go. Ever the unrealistic optimist – I decided that we should take a shot and ride the lightning.
I got up, donned a pair of steel mesh gloves and said a little prayer before reaching into the shark’s cage. The creature snapped at me with maniacal strength – but I was ready for the attack. I snatched up my little land shark and headed down the sidewalk.
She thrashed furiously and moment-by-moment – I could feel my strength ebbing away. Just when all seemed lost, my little man-killer slipped into a light sleep. I crept back to the table to find our food had arrived. I rested my razor-toothed beauty on my lap, covered her with my napkin and dug into my plate.
The café glowed with love and harmony until our food was gone. Then I spied the menacing dorsal fin in my lap (keep it clean) and realized that the land shark was on the move!
We wrestled the shark back into her cage and ran home in a state of abject fear. Obviously, we have a long way to go.