Baby Girl is the Last Action Hero

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Say hello to my little friend!

My wife and I have decided to take a full set of self-defense courses to meet the threat presented by my 7-month-old bundle of joy named Madeleine. Apparently spending day after day with dear old dad is making Maddie a little rough around the edges. We are working on toning things down, but it’s still a work in progress.

We have a few areas of concern, but so far the greatest threat to Maddie is some her hard surfaced toys. She swings them with real authority, but with no concern for her own well-being. She gave herself two powerful whacks in the face today. This might be due to the fact that she’s been wearing a protective helmet for the past couple of months. So right now, her little noggin is taking a beating.

Maddie also loves the soft skin on both of her parent’s necks. She digs into the skin with those tiny fingers and gives it a mighty pull. As you might imagine, between her sturdy little grip and sharpened talons of death, she is leaving behind a trail of destruction.

The baby also has a real affinity for anything that looks like a string or chord including human hair. This causes severe hair pulling issues for my wife and has caused me to leave behind a fair amount of chest hair. If she spies the slightest trace of hair near the top of my shirt, she latches onto it and does her best to make it her own.

But the greatest challenge I face as the stay-at-home parent is her wild kicking legs. When she wakes up from a nap, I can actually hear her double-kicking the mattress with all of her might. Her kicks are so powerful that they actually lift her in the air and echo throughout the house.

These kicking feet are especially interesting during diaper changes and feeding time. I’ll leave it to your imagination the impact these kicks have during a diaper change. And the kicking is not really a problem during feeding time. That is as long as you use some sort of cushion on your lap. Without the proper protection, a lucky hit could ensure that Maddie never has any brothers or sisters.

This isn’t to say that Maddie isn’t one of the sweetest children known to mankind, she just likes to mix things up and always keep them interesting.

Beware the Baby’s Thundering Hooves

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You never know where the next hoof might land!

It’s too early to tell if Maddie has been blessed or cursed with her thunder thighs, but what’s become painfully apparent in the last week is that they pack an amazing punch. Her thighs have transformed those cute little feet into thundering hooves that leave widespread devastation in their wake.

It’s not so much the kicks that are causing the problems, but the stamp down that seems to come at the end of the kick. It seems obvious now that Maddie is not interested in sharing the house with any siblings. No matter what position I feed her in now, her sledge hammer feet keep finding the mark on my private parts. Maddie might have deduced that if the family jewels are crushed – she will be the center of attention for the next 18 years.

The baby’s foot impacts the groin area very similar to the way a doctor wields the reflex hammer against the knee. It’s a sharp blow and accurate blow that is so well-placed that PaPa is forced to suspend each feeding to try and catch his breath and regroup.

Another area impacted by the baby’s hoof is the diaper change. The second the diaper comes off, one of her feet races down expertly burying itself in the poop area. We are now going through at least two to three pairs of socks a day, because socks and poop are not a good match.

Even if you maintain a vise-like grip on her ankles,  those legs are spring-loaded and her foot seeks out the messiest area like a predator drone hunting for a convoy of terrorists. Maddie stamped so hard this afternoon that the pacifier actually flew out of her mouth. I decided to look for it later because I was still prying off the nasty sock. When I looked up, the baby was smiling and the pacifier was actually lying right there on her forehead.

I can hardly wait to see what her kick/stomp will be like when she’s one-year-old!