You’re the Only One I can Talk To

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What else did they get me?

Maddie Mastering the Art of Escape

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Don’t look at me, I was here the whole time!

It’s hard to keep up with Maddie and her ever-expanding bag of tricks. She is 14-months-old now and has a startling grasp of the English language. Her spoken words are limited to Heyy, bye, Daaa and Maaa – but her comprehension of words and phrases is unmistakable.

When you ask Maddie for a specific item, she brings it to you.

Maddie, get your shoes – She comes back with her shoes. Maddie, please don’t do that – She stops to see if you really mean it and if you plan to do anything about it. And that’s really where the trouble has taken root.

Maddie is well aware of the things she’s not supposed to do and this has led to the development of some very mischievous tendencies.

First of all, Maddie knows she’s not supposed to open and empty her clothes drawers. Just this morning, Maddie wandered down the hall into her room and I heard her slide open the clothes drawer. I streaked down the hall to catch her in the act. She obviously heard me coming and was running out of the room when I arrived.

The drawer was wide open, but the antagonist had fled the scene.

As I was closing the drawer, I heard the oven door open in the kitchen – another forbidden activity for Maddie. (Yes, the oven was OFF!) I sprinted towards the kitchen in time to see the serial offender making good on another escape.

As I mentioned, Maddie is 14-months-old and is already employing bait and switch escape tactics. I can see this getting complicated in big hurry.

Honey Badger Terrorizes Chuck Norris

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The Honey Badger has been asleep in Maddie for several weeks now. She hasn’t been what anyone might define as mellow, but some of her more destructive tendencies and rough edges had seemed to be smoothing out a bit.

So just when you thought it was safe to go back into the baby’s room, the Honey Badger has risen again in all of her glory and woe unto anyone who gets tangled up with her.

Her reign of terror got started early this morning during a diaper change. Her mom was changing Maddie when the wild badger suddenly uncoiled on the changing table toppling a full container of water and dousing the floor and her little shelving unit.

Badger – 1   Parents – 0

It was no fun to clean up, but once it was done we put Maddie down for a nap. Please forgive the poor grammar but, “Honey Badger don’t need a nap!” After only 30 minutes in the crib, she was testy and ready to get up.

For some reason she started wildly thrashing when I laid her on the changing table. When I unfastened her diaper, she caught me directly in the lip with a roundhouse kick. It had been a long time since I enjoyed a fat lip, but the Honey Badger indicated it made me look better.

Badger – 2    Parents – 0

After that little stunt, I decided a little extra tummy time was in order. Maddie scooted a bit on her stomach, grabbed the Mozart Cube and drove it right into her face. She shrugged off the blow and gave me a dirty look. (As if I had something to do with such effrontery!)

After that whack to the head, I caved in and sat her up. She celebrated this victory by crashing her cup into the nose of her little orange monkey. Even with this triumph, Maddie was getting very restless. Her mom reached down to soothe the savage beast and was greeted by a probing hand trying to remove her glasses. Maddie’s paw accidentally struck the glasses quite hard driving them into the bridge of her mother’s nose. Her eyes welled up with tears as Maddie continued to try and free the glasses from her mother’s face.

Badger – 3   Parents – 0

It was at this point that the Honey Badge obviously needed some outdoor time. I decided to drag her with me to Chili’s to pick up some takeout dinner. I tried to sit Maddie right in the middle of the counter at the restaurant, but she uncoiled again and managed to snag to the tip jar. I’m not sure why she needs money at this point in her life, but I managed to wrestle the tip jar away before she could destroy it. I smell a comeback!

Badger – 3   Parents – 1

The final leg of our competition culminated at dinner where the Honey Badger ripped through a sizable amount of broccoli like a buzz saw and absolutely coated her entire face with sweet potato. The clean up was a long and arduous process but the ensuing temper tantrum during bathtime really clinched the victory for my sweet little honey badger.

Final Score

Badger – 4   Parents – 1

Better luck next time!