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For Immediate Release:
Madeleine International announces the formation of the Infant Mixed Martial Arts Association (IMMAA) At just five days old; Madeleine Adams realized that gentle rocking and the sound of silence are just not her style. She decided to form the league in the spirit of carnage among like-minded infants.
Madeleine says that acting cute and cuddly during the day is ok with her – as long as you are willing to bring it each and every night.
Maddie went on to say that unlike the delicate little pansies in the current MMA Arena – The IMMAA plans to adopt their motto from Outback Steakhouses, “No Rules, Just Right!”
All fights will include, but not be limited to:
- Eye Gouging
- Hair Pulling
- Fish Hooking
- Groin Strikes
Maddie concluded the press conference with a private screening of Fight Club and was heard to call Brad Pitt a puny little punk.
All kidding aside – Madeleine has shown unlimited affection for loud and abrasive noises, harsh weather conditions as well as rough and bumpy travel conditions.
For a girl that is only 5 days old, she continues to amaze us with her unusually rugged nature.
My wife and I have read a great deal of passages that urge parents to immerse their newborns into a gentle world full of solitude and gentleness. It is my fondest hope that those parents find some solace in these types of articles. In our case, our baby does not fit into any of these categories.
She loves adventure, action and constant stimulation.
Further proof that my girl is an URBAN COMMANDO:
- Thunderstorms have the same affect on her a bottle of NyQuil.
- She cherishes bumpy roads and potholes while riding in her car seat.
- Rumbling over a torn up sidewalk in her stroller is a dream come true.
- We stopped in her stroller not far from the local Light Rail Station – The engineer blew the air horn and she thought it was wildly entertaining.
- A shopping cart with a bad wheel was like a slice of heaven to her.
- Harsh winds bring a smile to her face.
Everything that would annoy or terrify a typical infant, just adds fuel to the fire for my little girl, MAD MADDIE!!
There comes a moment in every action film where the protagonist realizes that they are truly over matched. At about five this morning, my sweet daughter Madeleine made it clear who was in charge.
The two of us went head to head in a legendary contest of wills.
The veteran (daddy) barely conscious – was still trying to bob and weave while the young challenger peppered PaPa with an intricate series of stunning jabs and explosive roundhouses.
The shift in the balance of power seems subtle at first, until I realize that the challenger has studied the film and knows all of my best tricks.
Madeleine unleashed just a small sample of her rage and power from 4am to 7am and I stand humbled before it.
Gina’s grandparents, Gary and Denise noted that Madeleine possessed a powerful cocktail of Gina’s obstinate nature and my hyperactivity. With the contest of wills this morning, I realize that Maddie is just getting warmed up.
This provides an enhanced understanding of Roy Scheider’s famous quote from the movie Jaws, “We’re gonna need a bigger boat!” He makes this observation as he watches the giant menacing dorsal fin bear down upon him and Captain Quint’s boat.
Turns out Roy was right – Jaws ate the damned boat and the captain!
When I ask Maddie if I’m next, she just smiles and smacks her lips.
Perhaps one of the sweeter babies on the planet morphs into a White Walker around midnight. I really hope this is a trend that will continue for months on end.
My angelic cherub charms all are who in her path.
The smile, the gurgle – oh, she’s so sweet.
But then the witching hour strikes – and the CHANGE IS NOT SUBTLE!!
The apple of my eye starts swinging for the fences.
We have pondered calling in her Uncle Jim (AKA the Baby Whisperer) but we’re still holding out.
Last night was night numero uno away from the hospital and Maddie had something special for Daddy. Catastrophic temper tantrums that would make any drunken sailor blush.
With the feeding over at midnight, I opened my Daddy’s bag o’ tricks.
12:04 — Walking briskly around the house gave Maddie the action she was looking for at first. But then I sensed a disturbance in the force – she gave me the look that asked, “Do you fear the White Walker, Daddy?” I summoned what courage I could muster, and managed to squeak out – “Daddy fears nothing!” Then a macabre smile crossed her face as if to say, “YOU WILL!”
With that the gentle crying began (HAAAAA- if you consider hurricanes to be a gentle breeze!) Madeleine was rocking and rolling and there was no place to hide.
Diaper looks good – CHECK!
Swaddled tightly – CHECK!
It’s quiet – CHECK!
She’s been fed – CHECK!
12:22 – Daddy’s Got Talent
For my first act, I croon, Fly Me to the Moon, by Sinatra – Maddie is briefly entertained – but then she gets pissed again.
1236 – Simon and Garfunkle sing along
“I have my books and poetry to protect me.”
But Daddy, there’s no place to hide!
1244 – Simon & Garfunkle II
“Let us be lovers, we’ll marry our fortunes together”
Dad, you suck!!
Gut-wrenching temper tantrum revving up now.
But wait, the crash of thunder!!
Angry baby finds comfort in flashes of lightning and claps of thunder.
Success – I’m the smartest father alive.
Break out the Metallica please:
“Hush little baby, don’t say a word” She passes out within 30 seconds. Different strokes I suppose.
Storm is over — the Walker has returned.
Seeming fueled by the early violent weather, she takes a turn for the worse and unleashes the fury.
Wake up Gina for the feeding and talk badly about the baby. Is this really only Day Three??????
Content Warning: My flowing prose and rapier wit has been dented as we crawl into Day 3.
Maddie began the war dance last night.
She deviously spaced out her sleep terrorism tactics into about 60 to 90 minute intervals. I’m hoping that she takes pity and doesn’t start water-boarding us again tonight.
Gina says she never been so sleep-depleted. Sometime around 4am – I tied my sleeplessness record from freshman year in college that took place some time during the Bronze Age.
In front of the grandparents – Maddie is all butterscotch and ponies – during the night, she morphs into Cerberus – the three headed creature that guards the entrance to Hades, tearing limbs asunder and taking no prisoners.
We’ve also discovered that this young lady considers the diaper change to be a personal effrontery of biblical proportions.
At around 2am – I conjured up the spirit of the younger and more talented Kevin Costner – and taught my daughter the Tatonka tribal dance. This is similar to (but not to be confused with) Katy Perry’s I’m drunker than Kesha and can not recall my Friday night whereabouts dance. Too many slizzers I guess, but I digress.
Madeleine and I begin our faux-Sioux dance while I chanted in broken Jim Morrison lyrics – all the while injecting the word TATONKA! For some reason, this puts Maddie to sleep time after time!
Thank you again Mr. Costner! “You’re welcome, Meat,” says Crash.
Breastfeeding can be troublesome for some newborns – not this girl.
This young lady loves da boob!
Gina and I swayed with trepidation as Maddy eyed the prize for the first time. Would she be able to engage?
Remember young Skywalker trying to blow up the Death Star? “Stay on target” “Stay on target!” Well the force is strong with my daughter.
Maddy lit it up on her first run and her mom’s eyes went wide.
“Whoa,” gasped Gina – “Save some for later, take human slurps!”
Make no mistake, this Munchkin loves to eat.
She’s like Will Ferrell in Old School, “It just tastes so good once it hits your lips.”
Everybody’s doing it!!
After a good burping, Maddy slept on my chest for about an hour.
This prompted the Meet the Fockers thought, “I have nipples Greg, can you milk me?”