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Baby Raptor Hatches Muddy Plot

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One of our great concerns over the past couple days, was whether or not the baby was going to start pooping. Indeed, the hospital had warned us to make sure that was happening with great frequency.

What my wife failed to realize, is that as she expressed her concern, the baby was listening. Since the introduction of milk into her diet, the baby has commenced with the creation of wonderful cupfuls of chocolate pudding for us.

This is all well and good, when this strange substance makes it to the diaper – but last night was bath time and Madeleine had been plotting through out the day. Gina was quite excited for Maddie’s first bath in the sink – and apparently, so was Madeliene.

The baby knew that it would all come down to timing. Gina prudently decided that the first course of action (before the landmark bath) was to make sure the baby had been changed – we don’t want any accidents, do we?

But Maddie reminds me of the scene in Jurassic Park when the Sam Neill discovers that the alpha female Raptor possesses frightening intelligence.

The warden points to the female raptor and says, “That one… when she looks at you, you can tell she’s working things out.”

Gina lovingly changed the baby and was headed to the sink when a startled, “Oh no!” came from the bathroom. Our little raptor had unleashed a torrent of unmentionables all over Gina – literally from head to toe.

Gina was in a state of shock and awe when I entered the bathroom. “But, but – I had just changed her,” she stammered.

Maddie looked so pleased with herself – I realized that it was just a matter of time before my little raptor covered me in a similar form of Jurassic glory.

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I Pity the Fool Who Don’t Love Mother’s Milk

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You’ve heard of ambrosia, nectar of the Gods – It doesn’t hold a candle to impact of mother’s milk.

For four nights, our sweet little Madeleine played the role of the sleep destroyer. She decided that sleep for her parents was a privilege that must be earned – ENTER MOTHER’S MILK!!

The little girl who spread Freddy Krueger like terror across the nighttime – decided that with a little milk in her stomach – it was time to take it easy and start Chilaxxin!

Keep in mind that colostrum is great for babies, but not very filling. Therefore, Madeleine was undergoing the worst thing that can happen to a Martin or an Adams, HUNGER!

Packed with Mom’s magic, our little bean slept like she had gone 22 rounds with Clubber Lang (AKA – BA Baracus) All the gold on Mr. T’s wardrobe can’t equal the scope of what that mother’s milk did for us.

We have been utterly transformed and rejuvenated as Madeleine allowed us that one special night of sleep. Hey, you never forget your first time.

This is good news, because at the ripe old age of 5-days-old, Madeleine is taking her first trip out of state trip for her Aunt Joni’s wedding and her own special baby shower.

Stay tuned as Madeleine takes Washington DC!!

Kid Carnage Forms Infant Mixed Martial Arts League

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Take No Prisoners

For Immediate Release:
 

Madeleine International announces the formation of the Infant Mixed Martial Arts Association (IMMAA) At just five days old; Madeleine Adams realized that gentle rocking and the sound of silence are just not her style. She decided to form the league in the spirit of carnage among like-minded infants.

Madeleine says that acting cute and cuddly during the day is ok with her – as long as you are willing to bring it each and every night.

Maddie went on to say that unlike the delicate little pansies in the current MMA Arena – The IMMAA plans to adopt their motto from Outback Steakhouses, “No Rules, Just Right!”

All fights will include, but not be limited to:

  • Headbutting
  • Eye Gouging
  • Hair Pulling
  • Fish Hooking
  • Groin Strikes

Maddie concluded the press conference with a private screening of Fight Club and was heard to call Brad Pitt a puny little punk.

All kidding aside – Madeleine has shown unlimited affection for loud and abrasive noises, harsh weather conditions as well as rough and bumpy travel conditions.

For a girl that is only 5 days old, she continues to amaze us with her unusually rugged nature.

My wife and I have read a great deal of passages that urge parents to immerse their newborns into a gentle world full of solitude and gentleness. It is my fondest hope that those parents find some solace in these types of articles. In our case, our baby does not fit into any of these categories.

She loves adventure, action and constant stimulation.

Further proof that my girl is an URBAN COMMANDO:

  • Thunderstorms have the same affect on her a bottle of NyQuil.
  • She cherishes bumpy roads and potholes while riding in her car seat.
  • Rumbling over a torn up sidewalk in her stroller is a dream come true.
  • We stopped in her stroller not far from the local Light Rail Station – The engineer blew the air horn and she thought it was wildly entertaining.
  • A shopping cart with a bad wheel was like a slice of heaven to her.
  • Harsh winds bring a smile to her face.

Everything that would annoy or terrify a typical infant, just adds fuel to the fire for my little girl, MAD MADDIE!!

Day 4 – We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

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Feed Me!!

There comes a moment in every action film where the protagonist realizes that they are truly over matched. At about five this morning, my sweet daughter Madeleine made it clear who was in charge.

 

The two of us went head to head in a legendary contest of wills.

 

The veteran (daddy) barely conscious – was still trying to bob and weave while the young challenger peppered PaPa with an intricate series of stunning jabs and explosive roundhouses.

 

The shift in the balance of power seems subtle at first, until I realize that the challenger has studied the film and knows all of my best tricks.

 

Madeleine unleashed just a small sample of her rage and power from 4am to 7am and I stand humbled before it.

 

Gina’s grandparents, Gary and Denise noted that Madeleine possessed a powerful cocktail of Gina’s obstinate nature and my hyperactivity. With the contest of wills this morning, I realize that Maddie is just getting warmed up.

 

This provides an enhanced understanding of Roy Scheider’s famous quote from the movie Jaws, “We’re gonna need a bigger boat!” He makes this observation as he watches the giant menacing dorsal fin bear down upon him and Captain Quint’s boat.

 

Turns out Roy was right – Jaws ate the damned boat and the captain!

 

When I ask Maddie if I’m next, she just smiles and smacks her lips.

7-Pound White Walker Loose in Jersey City

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Daddy's head got a BooBoo!

Perhaps one of the sweeter babies on the planet morphs into a White Walker around midnight. I really hope this is a trend that will continue for months on end.

My angelic cherub charms all are who in her path.

The smile, the gurgle – oh, she’s so sweet.

But then the witching hour strikes – and the CHANGE IS NOT SUBTLE!!

The apple of my eye starts swinging for the fences.

We have pondered calling in her Uncle Jim (AKA the Baby Whisperer) but we’re still holding out.

Last night was night numero uno away from the hospital and Maddie had something special for Daddy. Catastrophic temper tantrums that would make any drunken sailor blush.

With the feeding over at midnight, I opened my Daddy’s bag o’ tricks.

12:04 — Walking briskly around the house gave Maddie the action she was looking for at first. But then I sensed a disturbance in the force – she gave me the look that asked, “Do you fear the White Walker, Daddy?” I summoned what courage I could muster, and managed to squeak out – “Daddy fears nothing!” Then a macabre smile crossed her face as if to say, “YOU WILL!”

With that the gentle crying began (HAAAAA- if you consider hurricanes to be a gentle breeze!) Madeleine was rocking and rolling and there was no place to hide.

Diaper looks good – CHECK!

Swaddled tightly – CHECK!

It’s quiet – CHECK!

She’s been fed – CHECK!

12:22 – Daddy’s Got Talent

For my first act, I croon, Fly Me to the Moon, by Sinatra – Maddie is briefly entertained – but then she gets pissed again.

1236 – Simon and Garfunkle sing along

“I have my books and poetry to protect me.”

But Daddy, there’s no place to hide!

1244 – Simon & Garfunkle  II

“Let us be lovers, we’ll marry our fortunes together”

Dad, you suck!!

1258

Gut-wrenching temper tantrum revving up now.

But wait, the crash of thunder!!

Angry baby finds comfort in flashes of lightning and claps of thunder.

Success – I’m the smartest father alive.

Break out the Metallica please:

“Hush little baby, don’t say a word” She passes out within 30 seconds. Different strokes I suppose.

1:15

Storm is over — the Walker has returned.

Seeming fueled by the early violent weather, she takes a turn for the worse and unleashes the fury.

02:00

Wake up Gina for the feeding and talk badly about the baby. Is this really only Day Three??????

Tatonka Chant Chases Away Angry Spirits

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Tatonka Gores Angry Spirits

Content Warning:  My flowing prose and rapier wit has been dented as we crawl into Day 3.

Maddie began the war dance last night.

She deviously spaced out her sleep terrorism tactics into about 60 to 90 minute intervals. I’m hoping that she takes pity and doesn’t start water-boarding us again tonight.

Gina says she never been so sleep-depleted.  Sometime around 4am – I tied my sleeplessness record from freshman year in college that took place some time during the Bronze Age.

In front of the grandparents – Maddie is all butterscotch and ponies – during the night, she morphs into Cerberus – the three headed creature that guards the entrance to Hades, tearing limbs asunder and taking no prisoners.

We’ve also discovered that this young lady considers the diaper change to be a personal effrontery of biblical proportions.

At around 2am – I conjured up the spirit of the younger and more talented Kevin Costner – and taught my daughter the Tatonka tribal dance.  This is similar to (but not to be confused with) Katy Perry’s I’m drunker than Kesha and can not recall my Friday night whereabouts dance. Too many slizzers I guess, but I digress.

Madeleine and I begin our faux-Sioux dance while I chanted in broken Jim Morrison lyrics – all the while injecting the word TATONKA!  For some reason, this puts Maddie to sleep time after time!

Thank you again Mr. Costner!  “You’re welcome, Meat,” says Crash.

Maddie – One Good Punch is All It Takes

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Maddie dons yellow boxing gloves for Klitschko title bout!