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Is Maddie Asleep or Playing Possum?

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My little girl learns from the possums!

What our baby has accomplished in the past three days truly goes beyond the scope. Our little jet setter has traveled the I-95 New York/DC corridor, attended a wedding and even her own baby shower. Maddie made it through each event with class and dignity – charming all that have come into contact with her.

It seems that we might also have an Oscar worthy actress in our midst. Gina and I have speculated that when the crowd around Madeleine grows past the eight-person mark – she plays a little game of possum. No matter how much the volume swells around her – Maddie slips into a rich deep sleep – or does she?

 

Is it possible that this so called slumber of the angels may just be a ruse? Both parents have noticed time and time again that when Maddie is immersed into a crowd of people – she covertly checks them out. It only lasts about a second and she only uses one eye – but she does a quick scan and then is seemingly knocked out again.

 

Gina and I are starting to wonder if she’s really sleeping as soundly as she exhibits. When she sleeps with us – she never checks out anything – but in the crowd – she’s actually going undercover.

 

Is this just a quick check or perhaps some sort of atavistic defense mechanism?

 

I know what you’re thinking – a nine-day-old infant doesn’t plot anything. But Gina and I are quickly learning that it’s never a good idea to underestimate the one we call: “Maddie A!”

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Week Old Wedding Crasher Snubs Kate Middleton

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Don't bug me, Kate!

Just seven days out of the womb – most infants like to take it easy. Some hit the bottle or breast and just pass out – others just lounge around for a good cry or two. That was not on the menu for Mad Maddie – she took her shot at becoming the world’s youngest wedding crasher.

Maddie had been scheduled to spend the weekend with the royal couple, Kate Middleton and Prince William in Monaco – but she was insistent that family comes first and was determined to see her Aunt Joni walk down the aisle.

Aunt Joni’s wedding was flanked by heavy security – but Madeleine made her way in by flirting and charming her way past the most ardent professionals in the business.

She wore a stunning purple Cartier floral tiara that would make Pippa green with envy along with a spectacular Vera Wang Couture Red Carpet evening gown specially imported from the chic Babies R Us in Secaucus, New Jersey.

Maddie crept into the bride’s side pews near the front and pretended to sleep through the whole affair. After the ceremony she was whisked away by Denise aka MiMi with her secret bodyguard “El Jefe” riding in the chase car.

At the reception, Maddie reportedly told Aunt Jacque that she was, “Single and ready to mingle!” Instead I plopped her down into the protective nest of her cadre of great grandparents!

But when the music started – Madeleine enjoyed a special slow dance with Aunt Joni. They were tripping the light fantastic until that eager beaver, Uncle Tim, swept in and called the dance off.

Maddie said a lively time was had by all and was humbled to become the youngest wedding crasher in history. WELL DONE!!

Stay Home PaPa Rides the Brown Lightning

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What can brown do for you??

An old cliché says into each life, some rain must fall. My sly little daughter introduced me to her own interpretation of that little idiom this morning during bath time.

Just one day after I had the audacity to refer to her as a pooping raptor after giving her Mom the brown treatment – it was my turn to join the festivities. I had just changed Maddie’s diaper and decided to follow it up with a nice bath in the sink.

This was mostly because that the diaper change went horribly wrong. My gorgeous daughter unleashed a deluge of urine that quickly soaked her little nightshirt. Wow, how quickly fortunes can change with a magical peeing munchkin.

Maddie seemed most entertained as I fought to stem the tide of rising urine. Sadly, my good intentions were not enough, as she was now lying in a pool of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

BATHTIME!!!!!!!!

A quick jaunt to the bathroom sink and I was ready to initiate emergency clean-up operations. Maddie batted her mesmerizing eyes at me, clearly taken by the theater of the moment. I fumbled with faucet, but we were soon ready to go.

Just as I put the warm soapy washcloth to my baby, she decided that it would be best to pee on me as well. But, I was ready. I pivoted her little butt over the sink and Angle Falls fell harmlessly into the running water.

Haaaa!!! – I gazed triumphantly into the mirror only to find a large streak of brown lightning splayed across my t-shirt. But I was so clever, how did, wha had happen was, I mean, but she, where did that come from???

Now the left side of my shirt was a DMZ zone and our bath time had only just begun.

I deftly moved her to the right, determined to finish our clean up when another warm front of pee came in from the west. Still in shock from the brown finger paint – and with my left side now off limits – I was forced to briefly bask in the glory of this introductory golden shower.

It took a good two seconds before I could get her back privates back into the soothing waters of Ashburn, Virginia – but the damage was done.

Now that I’ve joined the Mud Membership Club – I now know what BROWN can do for you!

Baby Raptor Hatches Muddy Plot

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One of our great concerns over the past couple days, was whether or not the baby was going to start pooping. Indeed, the hospital had warned us to make sure that was happening with great frequency.

What my wife failed to realize, is that as she expressed her concern, the baby was listening. Since the introduction of milk into her diet, the baby has commenced with the creation of wonderful cupfuls of chocolate pudding for us.

This is all well and good, when this strange substance makes it to the diaper – but last night was bath time and Madeleine had been plotting through out the day. Gina was quite excited for Maddie’s first bath in the sink – and apparently, so was Madeliene.

The baby knew that it would all come down to timing. Gina prudently decided that the first course of action (before the landmark bath) was to make sure the baby had been changed – we don’t want any accidents, do we?

But Maddie reminds me of the scene in Jurassic Park when the Sam Neill discovers that the alpha female Raptor possesses frightening intelligence.

The warden points to the female raptor and says, “That one… when she looks at you, you can tell she’s working things out.”

Gina lovingly changed the baby and was headed to the sink when a startled, “Oh no!” came from the bathroom. Our little raptor had unleashed a torrent of unmentionables all over Gina – literally from head to toe.

Gina was in a state of shock and awe when I entered the bathroom. “But, but – I had just changed her,” she stammered.

Maddie looked so pleased with herself – I realized that it was just a matter of time before my little raptor covered me in a similar form of Jurassic glory.

I Pity the Fool Who Don’t Love Mother’s Milk

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You’ve heard of ambrosia, nectar of the Gods – It doesn’t hold a candle to impact of mother’s milk.

For four nights, our sweet little Madeleine played the role of the sleep destroyer. She decided that sleep for her parents was a privilege that must be earned – ENTER MOTHER’S MILK!!

The little girl who spread Freddy Krueger like terror across the nighttime – decided that with a little milk in her stomach – it was time to take it easy and start Chilaxxin!

Keep in mind that colostrum is great for babies, but not very filling. Therefore, Madeleine was undergoing the worst thing that can happen to a Martin or an Adams, HUNGER!

Packed with Mom’s magic, our little bean slept like she had gone 22 rounds with Clubber Lang (AKA – BA Baracus) All the gold on Mr. T’s wardrobe can’t equal the scope of what that mother’s milk did for us.

We have been utterly transformed and rejuvenated as Madeleine allowed us that one special night of sleep. Hey, you never forget your first time.

This is good news, because at the ripe old age of 5-days-old, Madeleine is taking her first trip out of state trip for her Aunt Joni’s wedding and her own special baby shower.

Stay tuned as Madeleine takes Washington DC!!

Kid Carnage Forms Infant Mixed Martial Arts League

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Take No Prisoners

For Immediate Release:
 

Madeleine International announces the formation of the Infant Mixed Martial Arts Association (IMMAA) At just five days old; Madeleine Adams realized that gentle rocking and the sound of silence are just not her style. She decided to form the league in the spirit of carnage among like-minded infants.

Madeleine says that acting cute and cuddly during the day is ok with her – as long as you are willing to bring it each and every night.

Maddie went on to say that unlike the delicate little pansies in the current MMA Arena – The IMMAA plans to adopt their motto from Outback Steakhouses, “No Rules, Just Right!”

All fights will include, but not be limited to:

  • Headbutting
  • Eye Gouging
  • Hair Pulling
  • Fish Hooking
  • Groin Strikes

Maddie concluded the press conference with a private screening of Fight Club and was heard to call Brad Pitt a puny little punk.

All kidding aside – Madeleine has shown unlimited affection for loud and abrasive noises, harsh weather conditions as well as rough and bumpy travel conditions.

For a girl that is only 5 days old, she continues to amaze us with her unusually rugged nature.

My wife and I have read a great deal of passages that urge parents to immerse their newborns into a gentle world full of solitude and gentleness. It is my fondest hope that those parents find some solace in these types of articles. In our case, our baby does not fit into any of these categories.

She loves adventure, action and constant stimulation.

Further proof that my girl is an URBAN COMMANDO:

  • Thunderstorms have the same affect on her a bottle of NyQuil.
  • She cherishes bumpy roads and potholes while riding in her car seat.
  • Rumbling over a torn up sidewalk in her stroller is a dream come true.
  • We stopped in her stroller not far from the local Light Rail Station – The engineer blew the air horn and she thought it was wildly entertaining.
  • A shopping cart with a bad wheel was like a slice of heaven to her.
  • Harsh winds bring a smile to her face.

Everything that would annoy or terrify a typical infant, just adds fuel to the fire for my little girl, MAD MADDIE!!

Day 4 – We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

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Feed Me!!

There comes a moment in every action film where the protagonist realizes that they are truly over matched. At about five this morning, my sweet daughter Madeleine made it clear who was in charge.

 

The two of us went head to head in a legendary contest of wills.

 

The veteran (daddy) barely conscious – was still trying to bob and weave while the young challenger peppered PaPa with an intricate series of stunning jabs and explosive roundhouses.

 

The shift in the balance of power seems subtle at first, until I realize that the challenger has studied the film and knows all of my best tricks.

 

Madeleine unleashed just a small sample of her rage and power from 4am to 7am and I stand humbled before it.

 

Gina’s grandparents, Gary and Denise noted that Madeleine possessed a powerful cocktail of Gina’s obstinate nature and my hyperactivity. With the contest of wills this morning, I realize that Maddie is just getting warmed up.

 

This provides an enhanced understanding of Roy Scheider’s famous quote from the movie Jaws, “We’re gonna need a bigger boat!” He makes this observation as he watches the giant menacing dorsal fin bear down upon him and Captain Quint’s boat.

 

Turns out Roy was right – Jaws ate the damned boat and the captain!

 

When I ask Maddie if I’m next, she just smiles and smacks her lips.